New and Improved!

Well here we go, people!  In four days we begin a new schedule.  Gage begins First Grade at home, and our entire family, as well as Melissa, begin an entirely different weekly schedule!

With that, as well as Gage's new-found interests in all things cooking, I have completely revamped the blog!  I have had requests to start getting back to my blogging, so here I am!  I am sorry that 2013 has pulled me away, but I am back!

This year I will be attempting to be a bit more open about things in our daily lives, as well as a bit more free with pictures and recipes!

Also, I will continue to post the links to fresh blogs on my Facebook pages!

Thank you to all of you who have kept up with my family, and Welcome to all of you just joining us!  I think we need to all work together to rock this 2013-14 school year!

Cheers!

Too Old to go into Battle

It has been six months since the last time I blogged, and since then I have been traveling on an extremely bumpy road.  I actually had not been planning on writing until I had revamped the blog, but I find myself feeling extremely low tonight.

Since I was last on here I have battled some wars, healed the wounds of others and tried to keep putting good karma out in the world.

It is not doing me a lick of good.

I will get into the bit weighing on me tonight.

As some of you know, this month is my birthday.  I will be turning the big ole 32.  That is right... 32!!!!  I had envisioned my life full of joy and wisdom at this point.  Instead, I find myself having to delete my Facebook... my one social outlet... because I just can't handle people any longer.  I do not want to see people write rotten stuff to me.  I do not want to watch people blatantly ignore me.  I do not want to be shunned, nor do I want to be guilt tripped.  I do not have it in me to deal with those things anymore.  With my age, also come impatience for adults.  I literally cannot handle it anymore.

I do not have time for it.  I don't.

I have not felt this down or this hopeless in an extremely long time.  It has been one hit after another... and I keep trying to be a loving person to the people around me, but it is never enough.  It doesn't matter how I try to be there with someone else, as soon as they see the tiniest crack in my falsely hard-looking exterior, they make a dive for it.  There is something about me that makes people want to attack.  I see it in my boys... that social awkwardness... and I want to cry for them.  They have many years ahead of them of people trying to crush their spirit.  It will be my job to try and teach them to rise above it, especially my Gage.  He is so completely like me.  So loving, so forgiving and so naive.

Here is a pointer for anyone who is questioning my state of emotional health.... I have three children with Special Needs at home.  I do not want to play any petty games.  I just want to have some nice grown up conversations.  I do not want to be shunned because I have different religious beliefs.  I do not want to be shunned because I have children different from yours.  I do not want to be shunned because I didn't do exactly what you wanted me to.  I just want to live my life in a way where people who are supposed to be lifting me up, are not wasting my time by dragging me down.

So here I am tonight... chugging "Calm Down" tea like I am dying of dehydration, trying to figure out where my life will go next.  My husband is working overtime again to provide for his family, so I am left all alone with my thoughts.

This afternoon I also found out that the injections I have to take to control my seizure disorder are completely unavailable nationwide for at least three months!  Oh joy!  If I could just get my health under control, I know I could get off of those injections as well as my medications for PCOS.  So, I am spending my time researching nutritional and holistic ways of combating my health woes instead of being on Facebook.

Also, about my blog revamp.  I will be switching it over entirely!  New name, new theme and new set up!  It will be a big surprise, so stay tuned!!!

Bittersweet Sacrifice

Have you ever knowingly done something for the benefit for someone else, knowing it would have a negative effect on your life?  I can honestly say I have now.

This past Winter, my family went though a large rough patch (I am sure you remember) and we were helped out in many different ways, by many different people.  We were shown such an abundance of support, that I decided that when we got back on our feet (which we now have), I would pay all of the help we received forward.

So over the last few weeks, I have been slowly trying to spread the love in whichever area needs in most.  Fundraising, advocacy, a helping hand, moral support... I have been trying to basically stay on top of things happening in my community, and just help out in whatever way I can.

Let me tell you, it has been feeling great.

One of the things I have been helping out in, hit close to home, and I found myself in the midst of a hard decision.  I needed to delve in much deeper then I had initially thought I was going to have to, and the outcome could be detrimental.  If I were not to step in, the person I was helping would ultimately suffer.  If I were to step in, a major part of my childrens lives could suffer.

I pondered on not knowing what to do for weeks.  I had to weed through all of the ups and downs I was feeling, and I finally reached the conclusion that the right thing to do would be to step in to try and help out with the task at hand.

I was nervous as I began my pursuits.  I knew that the only sort of personal satisfaction I would feel, would be the knowledge that help would no longer be needed.

It took many conversations with many different people to finally get things lined up and to get every duck in it's semi-perfect row, but there was still one last conversation to have.

I knew that this was the one that could change everything.  I feared it wouldn't, but I know it could.

I made that contact and it took one sentence for the world to crash around me.  It was a beautiful sentence, and I will never regret saying it, because I will never regret speaking the truth.

But with the sentence that was spoke, I knew the day had come that my children lost yet another "fan" since the day they were diagnosed with Special Needs.

What I said was not negative in any way towards my children, but rather described what many do not see when they look at them.

Between you and I, my children are the Sun and the Moon, the Heavens and the Earth.  There is no greater blessing I could have been given, then my precious children.

My decision means I will have to work even harder to make them feel more secure.  I will have to be MORE and do MORE, and I am frankly OK with that.  I am OK with being the hyper, over achieving, smothering parent I need to be in order to make them feel completely and utterly loved.

What cements my utter OK-ness, you ask?

Knowing that there will come a day when they will hopefully be proud of the sort of parent they have, and will want to follow in my footsteps.  Hoping they see that in the conditional sort of situation I was in, I chose the path where good was laid out generously instead of selfishly accepting something that was never truly ours.

I hope my story helps guide you if you are ever in a "rock and a hard place" situation such as this.  In my opinion, swallow the rock and help the other person out of the hard place.  You may ultimately have a rock in your gut, but at least you know you didn't leave someone behind to suffer alone.

Love,
Rachel

Lucky

Tonight I was given the sweetest gift by my husband.

A four hour nap.

Kidding aside, I feel like a million bucks right now!  It is not often that I get that much uninterrupted sleep, and I am extremely grateful for the nap.  I actually feel like I am firing with all of my pistons tonight, and it has been a while since I could say that.

After I finished Cote's "nigh nigh" bottle tonight, I rocked her for a while before brushing her teeth and laying her down.  I finger combed her hair that has grown so long and rubbed her sweet baby skin.  She smiled up at me with her rosebud mouth and exotic shaped eyes.  She has now learned how to actually cling onto me for a hug and I am on cloud 9.

She hugs me constantly now.

I started thinking about all of the stories and pictures that have been on my Facebook friends newsfeeds over the last couple of months.  Little girls Cote's age in dance, having birthday parties, figure skating and a plethora of other exciting things.  I love seeing the pictures and I feel pride for all kiddo's learning, growing and experiencing.  I love being around my friends children and I honestly enjoy the antics of all kids and babies.

As I rocked Cote though, and I looked down at her sweet innocent features, it really hit me how absolutely lucky I am.  As my friends children grow and become more independent,  I have been given the gift of children who love me unconditionally.  Of children with love so pure that they do not discriminate against a persons age, race, sex, cognitve or physical ability or occupation.  They will never base their love on what a person can give them... nor will they shun someone because of their social status.

For a long time I have sat back and been upset when my children have not been invited to playdates or birthday parties.  I have cried in private over the fact that my children have basically one shared friend.  I have cried as I have wished for a way to help them fit in with their peers.  I have literally made myself ill worrying about their futures and how they will be treated.

I looked into Cote's eyes tonight and my faith in the future was renewed.

At this point in her and her brothers tiny lives, they don't care about much else outside of me and playing.  They all love me so deeply that it is almost smothering.  I am so absolutely smothered in my childrens love... that is something that not everyone is given the gift of.  It is something that I sometimes take for granted, and it is sometimes left in the dust in our pursuit of meeting goals.  Cote is now following me with her eyes as I clean, both Bo and Cote can say a mumbled "mama" and Bo and Gage follow me around like my pockets are stuffed with candy.  They all love to sleep with me and cuddle and all three of them love shopping days and excursions with Mommy.

Bo and Cote may not ever get to be in skating, dance, sports or any other sort of traditional exciting activity, but I know in my heart that they are ahead of the pack in terms of love.  Gage may not be the very best at sports, but you will not find another kid out there having more fun or being more social than him.

They will find their way in life, and I know that in time more and more people will see what I see.  Until then, I will continue to pour myself into giving them the best life I possibly can.  It is an honor and I am both proud as well as lucky to have been given three amazing kiddo's who actually think I am cool.

Anywho I better call it a night for now.  Bo is starting to fuss, so I have a feeling another round of rocking is in the cards for tonight.  Twist my arm.

Goodnight and lots of love,
Rachel

Hello, Hello Again....

I know, I know.  It truly has been forever since I sat here and poured all of my hysteria into a blog entry.  To be honest, these last few months have been mojo drainers.  My motivation drives me to make it to the next day and little else.

The kids have caught what I am guessing to be every single strain of the flu.  We have spent quite a bit of time at home recuperating, and basically counting down the days until Spring.  

Bo is eating like a rockstar and has been trying a lot of new textures.  One of the major hits has been Pop-tarts as well as pureed Mac and Cheese, Goober and fruit!  He is doing a lot of climbing and standing, but still no walking.

Cote can drink from a juice box!!!  She can actually drink the juice right out of that tiny little straw as long as I hold the juice box itself!  She also has a pretty adorable demeanor lately and has actually been being loving to me.  She is doing farther distances with her army crawling and can officially say "No".

Gage is doing really well with Homeschooling and is now able to distinguish quite a few sight words, do light reading, add and subtract.  He has come leaps and bounds since this past Fall and I couldn't be more pleased.

On a downer note, Gage's Sensory Processing Disorder has taken a bit of a dangerous curve.  It has pushed me to a new place in terms of stress, and is thus the main reason I have been much less outgoing.

Around Christmas time this year, Gage's sleep schedule declined severely.  He started going to bed about 10:00pm and waking daily about 1:00-2:00am every day, full of intense energy.  We were struggling to keep him off of the video games and TV and he was gravitating towards things that would wind him up such as riling up the dog, running at cars when they would come up our driveway, the tv, radio and video games, throwing balls against the walls...ect.  It probably seems strange to read it and try and comprehend what the problem with this would be... imagine the Tazmanian Devil from the Looney Tunes.  Enough said.

Well, over the course of a few weeks, things got progressively worse.  Then one night a couple of weeks ago, one of my worst nightmares came true.  

We had had a tough day, and it was one of those nasty nights that was like a million degrees below zero.  I finally got all of the naughtiness put to sleep at about 12:00am, and I drug my old bones up to bed.  Gage was passed out hard in his bed and I skulked over to my room.  I turned on my box fan for some white noise and layed down with high hopes of passing out hard.

I laid there for about an hour and a half before I finally decided to just give up and go lay downstairs on the couch.  I was freezing my tush off and was fantasizing about curling around a heat vent.  Before I went back downstairs I stopped to check in on Gage.  He was not in his bed.  I was instantly livid as I had visions of him sitting on the couch watching Power Rangers.  I stomped down the stairs and got into battle mode.  I turned the corner and found....

Gage NOT on the couch.  OK... so I started looking around.  Not in the bathroom.  Not in the dining room. Not in the kitchen.  Not in the entry.  So, I headed back upstairs.  Not in his room... not in mine.  

I ran back down the stairs and began searching frantically....

Not in Bo's crib, not under the crib.  Not in the tub.  Not under the table.  Not in the basement.  Not behind the dryer.

I ran back up the stairs....  not in Cote's crib... not under her crib.  Not in the closet.  

He was no where.  I ran down the stairs in a hysteria.  I grabbed the phone.  My mind went to places that have been the roots of many nightmares.  Child Abduction.  1:30am.  Who would I call.  I was spinning in the kitchen when I noticed the front door.  It was cracked just slightly.  I threw on my coat and boots and ran outside.  I ran around the yard screaming his name.  It was so black out and so severely cold that it felt like my lungs were bleeding.  Max stood up from his sleepy slumber and looked at me like I had lost my mind.  It was then that I saw a flash of white down the gravel road.  I took off running and about a half a mile down the road was Gage walking....

in absolutely nothing but his little Pull-Up.

No shoes.  No clothes.  Nothing.  I knew then that one of my nasty fears had ultimately come true.  My child was in the middle of a Night Terror in the middle of Winter.  I ran to him, and threw all 67 pounds of him over my shoulder and literally ran all the way back to the house.  I couldn't cry and I couldn't breathe.  All I could do is run and say silent prayers to every Religious icon I had ever heard of.  We got to the house and I ran to the living room to wrap him up in as many blankets as I could find.  He was still asleep... in the midst of his Night Terror... and all I could to is curl myself around him.  

After a little while I carefully dressed my son, picked him up like when he was a wee babe, and carried him up to his bed.  I took every blanket I could find and made him a cozy nest.  I laid with him for a bit, but then reached a breaking point and knew I needed to get downstairs.

I made it to the kitchen, fell to my knees and absolutely lost it.  The thoughts were pounding  into my brain from every direction...

What if I would have toughed it out and stayed upstairs instead of coming downstairs?  What if I would have not checked on him?  He would have died out there.  He would have frozen to death or would have literally been eaten by something.  I wouldn't have known anything was amiss until the alarm clock went off.  He was out there basically naked and probably wouldn't have lasted more than a couple of hours tops.

I then proceeded to run to the bathroom and toss every single cookie.

I sat awake in the recliner that entire night standing guard.  His Night Terror lasted until about 5:00am and he came down twice more and had to be carried back to bed.

The next morning, we put a new doorknob on the door equipped with a lock that Gage can't turn.  We have a door alarm on order, and will be putting up a major fence and gating our driveway much sooner than we anticipated.

We made some enormous changes in our "day to day" as well.  The TV has been taken out of Gage's room.  Video games are only allowed on the weekend IF his week has gone without major hiccups and we are keeping the activity a little more slower paced.

Gage's struggles are still in full force.  These days he will not sleep alone.  He has decided that the idea of barber shears is basically equal to death.  He is falling quite a bit again.  

We will make it through though, because we always do.  

As for me... it will take a long time to recover.  It was honestly the worst experience of my life, which could have taken an Earth shattering turn.  I am trying to hold on to that last scrap of me that is care-free and patient but it is quickly diminishing.  I am angry and I am hurt that life keeps handing me balls of catastrophes to try and figure out.  I am angry that my stress load never lets up.

At this point... I am just trying to survive and keep the kiddo's afloat.  I know now that I need to seriously work on our support team.  I recently had an email meeting with the kids Pediatrician and he gave me some of the best advice I have gotten in a long time...

"Families with a Special Needs child thrive with the help of their families and friends.  They need their entire Community to show them kindness and support.  You have this need three times over, and therefore need to surround yourself with only the best people life has to offer.  You have lived a life of trauma for over 7 years.  It's time to go looking for people who will support you guys, and help carry the stress load".

So via Facebook about a week ago I basically asked if there were people out there that wanted to be a part of our extended family...  I am reaching out to you all.  I need help and I need support, and my kiddos need love and friends.  If you think this is something your backbone can take... throw me a line and I will take the hook graciously.

Electronic Christmas Card/Letter

This is extremely late, but.....

Happy Holidays from The Burrs!

This is a little inside peek at what a couple of days with us looks like.  Enjoy, and we hope to see all of you in this wonderful new year!

A New Year

Hello All!

I have been laying low these last few weeks, and just trying to de-stress.   The last couple of months have been doozies, but I feel deep down in my heart that 2013 will be a stellar year for me, my family and my friends.

So first I am going to start off with some life updates from our farm here in the Northern Woods.

Keith officially got a paycheck on Thursday and it was our first one in over a month!  We made it, and now we can start paying off bills little by little.  Over the Christmas break, we had a lot of outpouring of support from the people in our lives, as well as a couple of anonymous sweethearts.  It was a good reminder to me that we have people in our lives that truly care, and that truly have kind hearts.  I hope there comes a day when I can pay forward the extent of what we received.  The verbal and emotional support is truly what meant the most to me.  A string of bad luck has a tendency to drag you down, and I had a lot of great people helping to pick me back up.  So with that I will say Thank You!

Christmas was nice.  We basically holed up at the farm here and had family time.  Lots of movies, books and cuddling!  The kids enjoyed their presents and I made them all their favorite tasty dishes that they are able to eat.  We did minimal traveling and I was able to get a bit more rest than usual.

Bo and Cote have been sick with a virus that has been floating around this entire Northern area, and Gage finally got it yesterday.  This house has basically been one big germ fest, but at least it has been during our Winter break. 

Other catastrophes include Gage getting bit in the head by Max on accident and needing to go to the ER, I broke the heck out of my middle toe and Bo burst my ear drums.  Best part?  It was during Winter break!  Lol.

I think that is about all for updates, so I will just continue on about the things that have been on my mind lately.

One of the major things is my hopes for 2013.  I truly think this is going to be a wonderful year for us.  I think we are going to reach a lot of amazing goals, and clamp onto some serenity.  These are some of the things I hope to accomplish this year....

1. Get Bo walking!
2. Get Cote crawling!
3. Get Gage reading!
4. Healthier eating and activity habits for our entire family.
5. Better organization in all aspects of our life.
6. Try and work it out so all three kids go into the school starting this Fall for 2 half days of public school a week, and continue with Homeschooling and Therapies.
7. Work on more socialization activities for our entire family.
8. Accomplish more farm renovation projects.
9. Landscape!!!
10. Work as a family on our relationships with each other.

I like to think a lot of these are realistic and doable goals, so I am going to just go with it.  The last thing that is a goal for me is something that is a bit more serious.  It is friendships.  At the end of 2012 I got out of what I will call a "poisonous friendship".  I will not go into detail, but this person had a tendency to let me know often all of the things she did not like about me.  Quite often my lack of religion was a point of conflict, and I was criticized for not being a Christian.  In the end, this was not the reason she and I quit being friends, but after the friendship was over, and I looked back over the things that had been said to me over the course of a few months, I realized I had let her bully me.  Because of what I dealt with, and having to come to terms with myself again, I am going to lay this all out there for you all.

I am not a Christian.  With that being said, let me also state that I am also not a Heathen.  I am a good person, and I wake up everyday and make a conscious effort to throw good energy out into the world.  I work hard to be a good citizen, friend, family member and parent.  I try to help everyone I meet and I always spread as much love and sunshine as I possibly can.  I do not in any way think religion is bad and I do not think Christianity is wrong, but it is just not my path.  I don't know what my path is right now, but please respect my decisions and my family.  We do not speak about religions much in our home, and we will not until the kids are old enough to learn about them all and can chose for themselves.  We will continue being a giving and loving family nevertheless, and I only hope that I do not have to deal with this being an issue in my friendships again.  I hope to never have to deal with anymore ridiculous friendship scenarios from now on.  I am 31 years old, and to be honest, I am just too old for this and I don't have time.  Truly, who does?

I also want to add, that I have in no way ever been offended when people mention God in their comments to me.  I am not a Christian, but I do respect Faith of every kind.  To include my family in your religious thoughts is extremely nice and I never turn a cheek to good tidings.

So lets see what sort of year we can make 2013, shall we?  I personally think it is going to be the best yet!

Love,
Rachel

Rachel has been Humbled

I have never been the kind of person that accepts suspense or surprises well.  I am the sort that truly gets upset when someone is not finding out the sex of their baby, because I personally cannot handle not knowing.  If I read the first book of a series, I go in search of someone who will fill me in on the details of the rest of the books.  I hate surprises and the lack of control completely kills me.  

As you know, last week someone sent a Gift Certificate to my home.  I do not as of yet know who sent it to me, and I am working really hard to not pursue it.  I think whoever did it knows me well enough to know, I would have taken the certificate and used it to get THEM something they needed.

So, I have laid it all out there how much it meant to me and I am leaving it be.  I am enjoying the fact that someone went out of their way to send me a piece of their kindness, and I am treasuring that.

This Wednesday when we blasted into the Therapy Department, we were greeted with lots of smiles and greetings, along with Miss Steph letting me know in a sing-song voice, that a surprise was left there for me.  I was baffled as she came out from around the counter with this....

It took everything I had to not tear up right there in front of the other patients and staff.  Two secret surprises in one week?  What have I done to deserve so much kindness from people?  It literally takes my breath away, and it makes me really think about the people in our lives.  

So first of all, let me just say, I have ALWAYS wanted to try this wine!!!!  I have never gotten to buy it, but I even have this company on my Facebook and I check their page almost daily!  Also, the "Snowman Poop" was a huge hit!  Bo and Cote even took some in to their therapy with their Speech Pathologist to work on chewing, and it went awesome!  We did a repeat performance at home, so whoever made this... NICE CHOICE!!!  Plus, I have to say, it was super cute hearing Gage request a handful of "Snowman Poop"!  The Gift Card will be used to buy wrapping paper for the kids gifts and candy for their stockings.  This took some of the pressure off of me, that is for sure.  So whoever you are who sent this, Thank You from the very bottom of my heart.  You have truly helped me out in a big way, and you gave my kiddo's a pretty awesome treat!  Nothing makes me happier than when they get to have something like this, straight out of the bag like any other kid *tears are flowing*.

As I wrote earlier today, the truck is broken down.  It sounds like to fix it, the entire transmission is going to need to be lifted out to get to the problem.  It is going to be spendy, and we are waiting to hear back if the mechanic out here will be able to do it.  If so, we will be able to make him payments, which will help a lot.  In the meantime, Keith's mom and step-dad are going to let us use their truck until we are back on our feet.  At this point it is pretty clear that tonight Keith will be coming home with an empty pay stub, so not having to get his truck in for a while takes a ton of the pressure off.  Keith has been going in for "painting" overtime as much as he can, so that by next payday we will hopefully be sitting a little better.  It kills me that he is out there doing 12 hour days with a bad back and ribs, but at the same time I am Thankful we have him.  He puts these kids and me before all else, and he keeps reminding me he is almost recovered.

Something sweet is that a friend I have made recently, offered us her car.  She is a friend that if circumstances would have prevailed, I would never have made.  It was almost as if everything happened for a reason.  I now believe that there was a reason it all happened.  Gage needed her. The Little's needed her, and I believe that I needed her.  I am not a Godly woman, but I do feel as if there was a higher power at work.  I actually believe there is a higher power at work a lot these days.  I feel like I am being taken care of in a way.  My community is joining together one by one, and they are taking care of my family and they are helping me.  It is humbling me to speechlessness and to those of you who have met me, that is not an easy fete.  

I am going to share a little story with you about my Gage tonight...

After hockey this evening, Gage, Bo and I needed to run to Doug's for some essentials.  So we did our shopping and when we were at the checkout, I gave Gage his dollar in quarters for the cool machines in the cart area. Those quarters are the whole reason he keeps it together in the store.  He works hard to stay "in control" so that he can earn his dollar.  The "bell ringer" was by the exit and Gage asked why she was there ringing her bell, and standing by a red piggy bank?  I told him that she stands there to let people know that they need donations to help give people the things they need.  

So Gage went up to her and put his beloved dollar in the red piggy bank, and sat down on the bench in the entry of the grocery store.

I just about lost it right there.

This kid.  This little kid just gets it.  It was confirmation to me that he got all of the best parts of me.  

Then as I was loading the boys in the car, the teenage bagger and his friend took a few extra minutes to get all of the ice off of my bag hatch and rear windows, and make sure all of my mirrors were clear.  They visited with Gage about hockey and shook Bo's hand.  I held back the tears until I got in the van, and as soon as I started to pull away, the sobs wracked my body.

So tonight as I write this with tears literally pouring down my face and my entire nose covered in snot, I want you to know that I have been humbled.  I have been humbled by more than a few kind words, beautiful gestures from the people in our lives and from the love and support that is being shared with my family.  

Most of all, I am humbled that in the face of a hard Holiday Season, my six year old son chose to give rather than pick out a reward for himself.  

So goodnight all!  I hope all of you out there that has been helping us, knows exactly how much we appreciate everything you have been doing for our family and how much you support us!  Thank You, and much love to you all!

A Season Of Tests

My day has been a cluster of exhaustion and stress.  Many of you know my family is struggling this Holiday Season and I thank you all for your support.  Every day since then has brought a new catastrophe and a little more stress.  I am trying to not get upset by it, and instead think of it as I am being tested.  The Universe is testing my limits and I refuse to break.  Does that make sense?  

I have not slept in over 34 hours.  Max The Insane decided that there was a big scary tree outside and barked from about 12:30am to about 7:00am when the Sun came up.  I am thinking that is when he realized that Sasquatch wasn't outside threatening his farm and it was indeed, a stick or something.  I therefore had to cancel our fun for this morning because I did not feel safe to drive with the kids in the car.  The were supposed to have ECFE this morning and I am almost positive it was Christmas Craft Day!  :(

That was closely followed by Keith arriving home to tell me that the transmission is out on the truck.  Oh you heard me, the stupid truck broke down on his way home from the Chiropractor he has to continue seeing.  Bad news followed by bad news.  But you know what?  I refuse to let this all win.  It is a test and it is a test I fully intend to conquer.  We have to get ready for Hockey, and I need to make another pot of coffee, but I will be blogging again tonight.  I have some super fun stuff to fill you in on, but I just needed to fill you all in on my Holiday Season Hypothesis, lol.

Enjoy your day!!!

Hay Shredders!!!

Yay for snow in Northern Minnesota!  The extreme cold is a major drag, but the snow is beautiful!  Yesterday my little family spent the day playing soccer and football in the falling snow, watching Christmas movies, snuggling and reading books.  There is something about the wind howling and white puffs flying by the window to make you want to just curl up with babies... even if those babies are 3, 4 and 6.

This morning I woke up with the daily crick in my back, and penchant for trucker coffee.  As I mean-mugged the cold coffee pot and grabbed the Tylenol, my eyes wandered to the window.

Snow Aftermath.

It wasn't major, but it was enough to let me know that back had better loosen up awful fast.  So coffee got made, kids got fed and I went to go get the old gear on.  Keith had beaten me outside and was already plowing.  This meant I was of course on coop duty.  Max the psycho was already in there waiting for me.  As I got closer, I saw that he was using one of his massive paws to hold down a duck.  Normally I would have flipped, assuming he had tortured the duck and was eating it.  I knew better... the only torture happening was that the duck was officially getting a Max bath.  I shook my head at the ridiculousness and attempt to open the gate.

It wouldn't open.

The chickens and ducks officially shredded ten bales of hay in a couple of weeks... and now it was pushing the gate closed.  How in the heck did Max get in there?  Could he have done this to keep me out?  I am officially losing my my mind.  I go get the pitch fork and have to swing it over the gate and do a sort of "weak rake" with it.  I got the gate open and with my hands on my hips, I glared at all of them.  It made me feel like a really mature person.

I got to work immediately on getting all of that hay up and piled against the coop.  We are going to be having a long cold snap up here in Northern Minnesota and I am not looking to have frozen chickens.  So I literally worked out there for two hours while Keith went in to tend Littles, and when I finally finished, it dawned on me that they are going to wreck it by tomorrow.  Ever feel like having the wind completely blown out of your sails?  Come spend the day out here on my farm sometime.

When I was all done, I went in and grabbed todays eggs before they froze.  I have a feeling we are looking forward to tons of frozen eggs in the next couple of months.  Actually, Max is looking forward to that.  Max loves nothing more than getting an eggy treat straight from the coop.

After letting Max have two frozen eggs, this is what we had left.  Just think, this time next year and we will be pulling in hopefully about 4 dozen of these bad boys a day.  We feed our chickens awesome feed, grains and corns and tons tons TONS of treats.  They are happy and they make the tastiest eggs.

Eggs... its what was for dinner ;)

Kindness in the Midst of Dark Times

Kindness finds you and seeps into your heart at sometimes the darkest times.  Sometimes you need it and do not realize it, until it reaches up and pulls at your soul.

Things these past few weeks have been hard out here at the farm.  Being a family of five with only one person working outside of the home is hard all year long, but during the Holidays, even more.  There is so much pressure to not only show the kids a good time, but to also teach them the power of giving.  Throw on top of that the fact that they have three sets of Grandparents, three Uncles that celebrate the holidays with us, a good handful of Godparents, another handful of Great-Grandparents, friends, therapists and teachers.  The pressure to teach the kids the power of giving is overwhelming, as is the fact that it is just plain rude for me not to provide gifts for the people in our lives.

Every year, I hope and plan to be able to do this more efficiently, and every year some catastrophe happens.  The kids always come first.  One year, they were the only ones we could afford gifts for.  I felt terrible, but what can you do?  I always hope that the other adults in ours lives will understand, but I worry they won't.  For me, I personally do not enjoy opening gifts and that feeling I get knowing someone spent their money on me.  Pretty weird, right?  I actually ask Keith every year to not buy me anything, so we can make sure the kids and everyone else has what they need.  The best part of Christmas and Yule for me is watching everyone else open their gifts anyway.  Seeing their faces light up.  Hearing the excited squeals   THAT is happiness for me.  Knowing for a moment, every worry and every sadness is purely washed away for someone, even for a second.

I try on a daily basis to do kind and giving things for people.  Whether it be to listen to their sorrows, cheer someone up, do photo edits and photography, share a loving word or compliment, give a hug, provide any sort of donation.... I am there.  I am there because it is the good thing to do and I believe strongly in being a good person.  You never know what sort of impact you can have in someones life, by even just providing them a smile.  You can keep a child warm by donating a blanket.  You can feed a family by dropping food or cash off at the food shelf.  I truly hope you are getting my point.  Happiness for me is knowing that everyone around me is happy.  Safe.  Healthy.  Secure.  You will not find jewelry in my house or a ton of clothes and what not for myself.  I have had my vehicle for 6 years and it is starting to get rusty from use.  I own one pair of shoes for each season.  

My life becomes rich when I give.

This year is going to be especially hard for us.  Keith threw out his back and four ribs a couple weeks ago, and we still do not know if he will receive Short Term Disability for his time missed at work.  That is possibly two weeks with no pay whatsoever.  At a time when we live on a very strict budget, this will be detrimental to my family.  The fact it is directly before the Holidays makes it even worse.  On top of the lack of pay, we will have another Emergency Room bill as well as a hefty Chiropractor bill.  Thinking about it basically takes the wind completely out of my sails.

When you add this to all of my daily stress, as well as the issue's I have been having with Gage's flare up, Bo's new mean streak, Cote's terrible immune system and my basic life drama.... Let's just say I have been trying to hold all of my pieces together in the midst of them crumbling.

Today I went out to check the mail.  It was the first time I had checked it in days.  I hate checking the mail, because it always contains bad news.  This time it did.... and it didn't.

Me, as I sat down to open the stacks of mail on the table.  I wanted to see if I looked as bad as I felt.  Yes, Rachel... you look bad.

This stack is all of our kid paperwork for the week as well as therapy bills I have to call and fight about.  Worst part of my life.  I hate fighting.  This is the part of being a Special Needs parent that almost breaks me every week.

In the mix I see this envelope.  It has me as the sender, as well as the receiver.  Very intriguing.  Maybe it is a bill that someone very desperately wants me to make sure I receive?

This is what I see on the back.  I don't think this is a bill.  If it is, they sure are trying to butter me up.

This is absolutely not a bill.  Someone sent me a surprise gift card.  *sob*  Someone took the time and spread some kindness my way.  I have no idea who and I have no idea why, but I think this was just about one of the nicest things that anyone has ever done for me.  I will appreciate this forever.

So whoever you are that sent me this, it isn't the fact I have a fancy new Gift Card that clenches my heart.... it was that you restored my hope in the Holiday's this year.  I don't know what this next month or two is going to hold for my family financially, but I needed the reminder that it is acts of Kindness that mean the most.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Love,

Rachel

Homeschooling Perk

It is officially 1:19am and I have not heard a peep out of Gage, other than his regular sleep talking.  This is a good sign and a signal that clearing the schedule and shutting everything out was what he needed.  Times like this make me happy we decided to Homeschool.  It was not an easy choice, nor has it been popular with the people we know, but each day I am more and more supportive of it.

Because we Homeschool, today I was able to make the choice to shut the ringer off, bundle him up and have class with the lights dimmed.  We were able to do some warm baths and I was able to rock him in the chair. I made him comfort foods all day, and came to the realization that he is doing much worse than I expected.  Whenever Gage reaches a peak, I whip up some of his favorites to see how well he eats.  Many kids with SPD struggle with eating because that too is a very sensory act.  For breakfast I made chocolate chip waffles with spun butter, which he ate a little less than one of.  For lunch I made perogies and bacon, which he ate about one bite of.  Dinner was the old faithful, Mac and Cheese.  Two bites maybe.  I got him to drink about a quarter of a glass of milk and one V8 Splashers juicebox.

This is not a good sign.

Gage no longer eating means I have a child with major sensory overload on my hands.  I will be clearing the schedule for tomorrow morning, but at least Tuesdays are light days for us.  We will be working on some worksheets and then doing some different "learn to read" programs on the computer.  It should make for another calming day hopefully.

On a different note....

Today I had some personal life drama that side-tracked me from my kids, and it was a big wake-up call for me.  I will never again get sucked into that sort of thing.  It made a hard day even harder, and my kids were the ones who paid for it.  Even at my age, I need reminders like this, which is sad.  I made a decision today that if something like this happens again, I will have nothing else to do but delete things like Facebook.  It is a bummer considering that as a Stay At Home Mom, that is my main social outlet.  What is a person to do though, when it ends up affecting your home life?

So that's all I have for tonight.  I am going to sign off and hope for some sleep myself.

Cat in the Henhouse

Max our dog has a serious fascination with acting like he is Momma to all of the other animals on the farm.  He cleans the pigs, obsesses about the chickens, and carries the kittens around by the scruff of their necks like they are his babies.  I think it is super cute, but Hermoine the kitty is MAD!  She stomps around the farm covered in ice from Max cleaning her and she tried to play dead when he walks by.  Well, I was out feeding animals and wondering where she disappeared to when I looked over and there she was, sleeping in the doorway of the chicken coop.  

I of course had to high-tail it to the house for the camera.  Not only to take a pic of Hermoine the Ridiculous, but also to take some pics of the naughtiness the birds have been up to!

Hermoine getting down from drinking out of one of the waterers.

Evidently she has officially had it with Max and has moved in with the birds!

They totally just act like it is no big deal.  

Hmmm... Thelma, should have kept your rear end inside.  Now your missing out on the cracked corn.

Three loads of hay bales and a back ache to insulate the outside of the coop.  Destroyed by the naughtiness of a flock of chickens and ducks.

Guess where I found a big egg?

Max burying the marshmallow I gave him.

Next time you are mad you have no one to cuddle with.... think of poor Hermoine wanting to get this chicken to cuddle her. LOL.

Rotten Chickens!  I have new siding for the coop, but can't put it on till Spring.  There were bales stacked all the way up to the window.  They cannot STOP!

Max laying there obsessing over the naughtiness.

Just another day on my Funny Farm.  Soon it will be Summer (LOL) and it won't be quite so hard to keep my sanity!  Phew!

Night Terror's

I am probably one of the few women in Northern Minnesota who literally HATES Winter!  Sure I love sledding and the beauty of snow and little rosy cheeks.  I love pine tree's covered in sparkling frost, and the sound of the crunch of heavy boots as they trudge across the pasture.

What I don't love is the cold.  The cold and the affect it has on my children; my eldest to be specific.

As many of you know, Gage has what is called Sensory Processing Disorder.  I am going to go ahead and post the definition.

Sensory processing is a term that refers to the way the nervous system receives messages from the senses and turns them into appropriate motor and behavioral responses. Whether you are biting into a hamburger, riding a bicycle, or reading a book, your successful completion of the activity requires processing sensation or "sensory integration."

Sensory Processing Disorder  is a condition that exists when sensory signals don't get organized into appropriate responses. Pioneering occupational therapist and neuroscientist A. Jean Ayres, PhD, likened SPD to a neurological "traffic jam" that prevents certain parts of the brain from receiving the information needed to interpret sensory information correctly. A person with SPD finds it difficult to process and act upon information received through the senses, which creates challenges in performing countless everyday tasks. Motor clumsiness, behavioral problems, anxiety, depression, school failure, and other impacts may result if the disorder is not treated effectively.

Sensory Processing Disorder can affect people in only one sense–for example, just touch or just sight or just movement–or in multiple senses. One person with SPD may over-respond to sensation and find clothing, physical contact, light, sound, food, or other sensory input to be unbearable. Another might under-respond and show little or no reaction to stimulation, even pain or extreme hot and cold. In children whose sensory processing of messages from the muscles and joints is impaired, posture and motor skills can be affected. These are the "floppy babies" who worry new parents and the kids who get called "klutz" and "spaz" on the playground. Still other children exhibit an appetite for sensation that is in perpetual overdrive. These kids often are misdiagnosed - and inappropriately medicated - for ADHD.

Sensory Processing Disorder is most commonly diagnosed in children, but people who reach adulthood without treatment also experience symptoms and continue to be affected by their inability to accurately and appropriately interpret sensory messages.

OK so I know that is a super long definition... but sadly even THAT is not a complete one.  Gage's main issue's are things like excitement in public and around large groups, distress at loud or disturbing sounds, dislike to being touched, poor fine motor function, severe clumsiness, no reaction to heat or pain, and many others.   A lot of people don't think of Gage as having Special Needs because when you look at him he just looks like a typical kid. He can talk and walk and is cute like his mom (score).  The one thing we are dealing with very severely right now though.....

Sleeplessness and Night Terror's.

In the Winter, Gage struggles pretty badly with sleeplessness.  I understand because I do too, but Gage and I are a bit opposite.  I cannot fall asleep, but Gage has no problem in that area.... it's the staying asleep he cannot do.  So basically now he is waking up for the day between 1:30am and 2:00am.  Trust me it is rough for Mommy.  Mostly because I am lucky if I have the other two passed out by then.  

So Gage is waking up many hours before sunrise, but not a nice wake up.  He is officially back to having Night Terrors first.

If you have never seen someone have a Night Terror, let me tell you, it is a thousand times worse than a nightmare.  When Gage has them, sometimes he is functioning like he is completely awake until he does something like pee's all over himself, pours a jug of juice on the floor or punches himself in the face.  One time last Summer he walked out of the house and I caught him right before he fell in the steep, water-filled ditch.  This was at about 3:00am.  Reasons like this are why I sleep with one eye open.

The other face of Gage's Night Terrors is exactly what you might imagine it to be.... Terror.  Blood curdling screams, crying, drool, vomit, clawing, punching and a 65 pound flopping body.  There is nothing worse than trying to help your child through a Night Terror and being completely helpless.  What I have to do is get a cool wet rag and try and help him through it.  A child in the midst of a Terror does not just wake from it... they have to work themselves out of it.  This can take minutes or a couple of hours.  Our longest one lasted about an hour and a half.

So now we are back to Sleeplessness and Night Terrors.  This does not make for a healthy child.  He has big black circles under his eyes, is no longer making eye contact, had a meltdown when I attempted to wash his hair and brush his teeth today (yes, when it gets this bad I have to do this for him) and has decided he does not want to learn to read.  A month ago, you couldn't have TOLD Gage that reading wasn't an option.  He is backsliding in a matter of a couple of weeks, but even more so in the last couple of days.

I had truly hoped that allowing him to do Hockey would help us with the coping of the Winter months, but it has not.  It hasn't made it worse though, so I really can't complain.  All I can do is count down the months until Summer.  

We will now officially be clearing our schedule for the next couple of days, shutting the ringer off on the phone, and not allowing visitors.  We have to do this every once in a while to get him back down to Earth.  Shut out the outside world to help him get where he needs to be.

Tonight Gage was given a hot, comforting supper and hot cider.  We did a warm lavender bath, layered three pairs of jammies on for compression and I layered a couple of heavy weighted blankets on him for bed.  I am thinking next Summer we are going to have to look into some fundraisers to raise him the funds for the service dog.  Uff da.

Please keep Gage in your thoughts over the next couple of months.  He is going to need all of the love and support he can get to make it to Summer.   He is a good kid, and it seems like the more people that show him love and support, the better he thrives.

Mommy's Booby Baby

My baby Cote has got a fever today, and with that comes her being a Fuss-Bucket McGee.  Cote has an intense love for the boob on a regular basis, but on a day like this, she is completely attached.  If you have a maternal-type instinct like me, any baby showing interest in the "food plot" releases feel-good endorphin's   Whenever it is one of my babies, that goes about ten steps farther and makes me want to take pics of them at the breast and do big photo collages on the walls. There is no bond like the bond a baby has with her mothers boob, lol.

When a gal is sick, there is no better medicine than a mommy boob.

A little mad about her quality time being disturbed...

Until she realizes it's a photo-op and she immediately turns into her "mothers daughter".

I don't know if mom boobies have a special smell or what, but it is like a bear to honey in my house.

This is what "Baby Euphoria" looks like.

Even when I have a shirt on, she still has to try.

Our babies grow bigger every day, but that does not mean they ever reach a point that they don't need their Mommies.  To be honest, the opportunities to smell their sweet skin makes me hope that never changes.

An Hour At My Farm....

Numerous times during the day, I have to buzz outside to feed all the animals and check to make sure they are all behaving.  I was sicker than sick today and really was dreading going out, so I decided to take my camera along for a little initiative.  Hope you enjoy one of my hours in pictures!!!

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I am dreading going out, so I down a quick cup of coffee for a little "pick me up".

Fruit Loops for the poultry and a cooked squash for the piglets.  Spoiled rotten farm animals.

Max is super pumped to start chores!!!  These are his favorite times of day!

Trying to be pumped for chores.... would rather be snuggling with a warm blanket.

Max has the door open to the pig barn.  He is a hardcore farm hand.

I am greeted with a cute snout, judgmental eyes and an empty food bowl.

I love polka-dotted piggies!

Piglets get two scoops of pellets...

Two scoops of corn....

Two scoops of grain....

And some slop.  Ick.  Now I need to go fill the ten gallon bucket with water for them.

On my way to the spicket, I see that Max has unlocked the fence going into the chickens and the ducks again.  That dog won't quit trying to clean them!

No one even narked him out this time.  They just stand there looking naughty.

Yay.  The spicket is frozen.

It's a good thing I put one of these awesomely big farm sinks in my kitchen!

Pigs are now watered, covered in slop and given their treat!

Hermoine the kitty... 

Fed Ex guy came and Hermoine, Max and I gave him the grand tour.  Hermoine had to of course be carried everywhere.  Max wouldn't let the Fed Ex guy touch her.  Everyone out here has officially lost their minds.

Time to feed Max.  As you can see, he doesn't like this food.

But he loves this one.

So I pour it on top....

And he digs in!

Time to check on all of the naughty birds.

Which is evidently not a job I am allowed to do solo.

I just don't get how it can feel good to lay in the snow.

Fruit Loop treats everywhere!!!!!

Trying to get Max to leave.  He throws himself down like a wounded and depraved animal.  This dog is going to be the death of me.

Chicken waterer needs to be filled in my awesome sink as well!

Water Mongers

Inside the coop filling the feeders.  Chickens are BIG eaters!

I do not understand how this can be a comfortable way to lay an egg.... yet I see this every single day.

Max enjoying an eggy treat!

Smucked the thumb.  I'm as graceful as always.

Max.  You are not getting any more eggs.

But I will give you one of the treats I keep in my pocket!

We are so done with this round of chores!!!!  Time to go in and warm the heck up!

Worst part of working outside... coming in, taking your gear off and losing your socks in the boots!  Makes me angry every time!

Hot steamy coffee and a snuggly blanket should warm me right up!

Hope you enjoyed a peek at an hour on my farm!  Feel free to drop by anytime to lend a hand!!!

Seriously.  Drop by.