Bittersweet Sacrifice

Have you ever knowingly done something for the benefit for someone else, knowing it would have a negative effect on your life?  I can honestly say I have now.

This past Winter, my family went though a large rough patch (I am sure you remember) and we were helped out in many different ways, by many different people.  We were shown such an abundance of support, that I decided that when we got back on our feet (which we now have), I would pay all of the help we received forward.

So over the last few weeks, I have been slowly trying to spread the love in whichever area needs in most.  Fundraising, advocacy, a helping hand, moral support... I have been trying to basically stay on top of things happening in my community, and just help out in whatever way I can.

Let me tell you, it has been feeling great.

One of the things I have been helping out in, hit close to home, and I found myself in the midst of a hard decision.  I needed to delve in much deeper then I had initially thought I was going to have to, and the outcome could be detrimental.  If I were not to step in, the person I was helping would ultimately suffer.  If I were to step in, a major part of my childrens lives could suffer.

I pondered on not knowing what to do for weeks.  I had to weed through all of the ups and downs I was feeling, and I finally reached the conclusion that the right thing to do would be to step in to try and help out with the task at hand.

I was nervous as I began my pursuits.  I knew that the only sort of personal satisfaction I would feel, would be the knowledge that help would no longer be needed.

It took many conversations with many different people to finally get things lined up and to get every duck in it's semi-perfect row, but there was still one last conversation to have.

I knew that this was the one that could change everything.  I feared it wouldn't, but I know it could.

I made that contact and it took one sentence for the world to crash around me.  It was a beautiful sentence, and I will never regret saying it, because I will never regret speaking the truth.

But with the sentence that was spoke, I knew the day had come that my children lost yet another "fan" since the day they were diagnosed with Special Needs.

What I said was not negative in any way towards my children, but rather described what many do not see when they look at them.

Between you and I, my children are the Sun and the Moon, the Heavens and the Earth.  There is no greater blessing I could have been given, then my precious children.

My decision means I will have to work even harder to make them feel more secure.  I will have to be MORE and do MORE, and I am frankly OK with that.  I am OK with being the hyper, over achieving, smothering parent I need to be in order to make them feel completely and utterly loved.

What cements my utter OK-ness, you ask?

Knowing that there will come a day when they will hopefully be proud of the sort of parent they have, and will want to follow in my footsteps.  Hoping they see that in the conditional sort of situation I was in, I chose the path where good was laid out generously instead of selfishly accepting something that was never truly ours.

I hope my story helps guide you if you are ever in a "rock and a hard place" situation such as this.  In my opinion, swallow the rock and help the other person out of the hard place.  You may ultimately have a rock in your gut, but at least you know you didn't leave someone behind to suffer alone.

Love,
Rachel

Lucky

Tonight I was given the sweetest gift by my husband.

A four hour nap.

Kidding aside, I feel like a million bucks right now!  It is not often that I get that much uninterrupted sleep, and I am extremely grateful for the nap.  I actually feel like I am firing with all of my pistons tonight, and it has been a while since I could say that.

After I finished Cote's "nigh nigh" bottle tonight, I rocked her for a while before brushing her teeth and laying her down.  I finger combed her hair that has grown so long and rubbed her sweet baby skin.  She smiled up at me with her rosebud mouth and exotic shaped eyes.  She has now learned how to actually cling onto me for a hug and I am on cloud 9.

She hugs me constantly now.

I started thinking about all of the stories and pictures that have been on my Facebook friends newsfeeds over the last couple of months.  Little girls Cote's age in dance, having birthday parties, figure skating and a plethora of other exciting things.  I love seeing the pictures and I feel pride for all kiddo's learning, growing and experiencing.  I love being around my friends children and I honestly enjoy the antics of all kids and babies.

As I rocked Cote though, and I looked down at her sweet innocent features, it really hit me how absolutely lucky I am.  As my friends children grow and become more independent,  I have been given the gift of children who love me unconditionally.  Of children with love so pure that they do not discriminate against a persons age, race, sex, cognitve or physical ability or occupation.  They will never base their love on what a person can give them... nor will they shun someone because of their social status.

For a long time I have sat back and been upset when my children have not been invited to playdates or birthday parties.  I have cried in private over the fact that my children have basically one shared friend.  I have cried as I have wished for a way to help them fit in with their peers.  I have literally made myself ill worrying about their futures and how they will be treated.

I looked into Cote's eyes tonight and my faith in the future was renewed.

At this point in her and her brothers tiny lives, they don't care about much else outside of me and playing.  They all love me so deeply that it is almost smothering.  I am so absolutely smothered in my childrens love... that is something that not everyone is given the gift of.  It is something that I sometimes take for granted, and it is sometimes left in the dust in our pursuit of meeting goals.  Cote is now following me with her eyes as I clean, both Bo and Cote can say a mumbled "mama" and Bo and Gage follow me around like my pockets are stuffed with candy.  They all love to sleep with me and cuddle and all three of them love shopping days and excursions with Mommy.

Bo and Cote may not ever get to be in skating, dance, sports or any other sort of traditional exciting activity, but I know in my heart that they are ahead of the pack in terms of love.  Gage may not be the very best at sports, but you will not find another kid out there having more fun or being more social than him.

They will find their way in life, and I know that in time more and more people will see what I see.  Until then, I will continue to pour myself into giving them the best life I possibly can.  It is an honor and I am both proud as well as lucky to have been given three amazing kiddo's who actually think I am cool.

Anywho I better call it a night for now.  Bo is starting to fuss, so I have a feeling another round of rocking is in the cards for tonight.  Twist my arm.

Goodnight and lots of love,
Rachel