Hello, Hello Again....

I know, I know.  It truly has been forever since I sat here and poured all of my hysteria into a blog entry.  To be honest, these last few months have been mojo drainers.  My motivation drives me to make it to the next day and little else.

The kids have caught what I am guessing to be every single strain of the flu.  We have spent quite a bit of time at home recuperating, and basically counting down the days until Spring.  

Bo is eating like a rockstar and has been trying a lot of new textures.  One of the major hits has been Pop-tarts as well as pureed Mac and Cheese, Goober and fruit!  He is doing a lot of climbing and standing, but still no walking.

Cote can drink from a juice box!!!  She can actually drink the juice right out of that tiny little straw as long as I hold the juice box itself!  She also has a pretty adorable demeanor lately and has actually been being loving to me.  She is doing farther distances with her army crawling and can officially say "No".

Gage is doing really well with Homeschooling and is now able to distinguish quite a few sight words, do light reading, add and subtract.  He has come leaps and bounds since this past Fall and I couldn't be more pleased.

On a downer note, Gage's Sensory Processing Disorder has taken a bit of a dangerous curve.  It has pushed me to a new place in terms of stress, and is thus the main reason I have been much less outgoing.

Around Christmas time this year, Gage's sleep schedule declined severely.  He started going to bed about 10:00pm and waking daily about 1:00-2:00am every day, full of intense energy.  We were struggling to keep him off of the video games and TV and he was gravitating towards things that would wind him up such as riling up the dog, running at cars when they would come up our driveway, the tv, radio and video games, throwing balls against the walls...ect.  It probably seems strange to read it and try and comprehend what the problem with this would be... imagine the Tazmanian Devil from the Looney Tunes.  Enough said.

Well, over the course of a few weeks, things got progressively worse.  Then one night a couple of weeks ago, one of my worst nightmares came true.  

We had had a tough day, and it was one of those nasty nights that was like a million degrees below zero.  I finally got all of the naughtiness put to sleep at about 12:00am, and I drug my old bones up to bed.  Gage was passed out hard in his bed and I skulked over to my room.  I turned on my box fan for some white noise and layed down with high hopes of passing out hard.

I laid there for about an hour and a half before I finally decided to just give up and go lay downstairs on the couch.  I was freezing my tush off and was fantasizing about curling around a heat vent.  Before I went back downstairs I stopped to check in on Gage.  He was not in his bed.  I was instantly livid as I had visions of him sitting on the couch watching Power Rangers.  I stomped down the stairs and got into battle mode.  I turned the corner and found....

Gage NOT on the couch.  OK... so I started looking around.  Not in the bathroom.  Not in the dining room. Not in the kitchen.  Not in the entry.  So, I headed back upstairs.  Not in his room... not in mine.  

I ran back down the stairs and began searching frantically....

Not in Bo's crib, not under the crib.  Not in the tub.  Not under the table.  Not in the basement.  Not behind the dryer.

I ran back up the stairs....  not in Cote's crib... not under her crib.  Not in the closet.  

He was no where.  I ran down the stairs in a hysteria.  I grabbed the phone.  My mind went to places that have been the roots of many nightmares.  Child Abduction.  1:30am.  Who would I call.  I was spinning in the kitchen when I noticed the front door.  It was cracked just slightly.  I threw on my coat and boots and ran outside.  I ran around the yard screaming his name.  It was so black out and so severely cold that it felt like my lungs were bleeding.  Max stood up from his sleepy slumber and looked at me like I had lost my mind.  It was then that I saw a flash of white down the gravel road.  I took off running and about a half a mile down the road was Gage walking....

in absolutely nothing but his little Pull-Up.

No shoes.  No clothes.  Nothing.  I knew then that one of my nasty fears had ultimately come true.  My child was in the middle of a Night Terror in the middle of Winter.  I ran to him, and threw all 67 pounds of him over my shoulder and literally ran all the way back to the house.  I couldn't cry and I couldn't breathe.  All I could do is run and say silent prayers to every Religious icon I had ever heard of.  We got to the house and I ran to the living room to wrap him up in as many blankets as I could find.  He was still asleep... in the midst of his Night Terror... and all I could to is curl myself around him.  

After a little while I carefully dressed my son, picked him up like when he was a wee babe, and carried him up to his bed.  I took every blanket I could find and made him a cozy nest.  I laid with him for a bit, but then reached a breaking point and knew I needed to get downstairs.

I made it to the kitchen, fell to my knees and absolutely lost it.  The thoughts were pounding  into my brain from every direction...

What if I would have toughed it out and stayed upstairs instead of coming downstairs?  What if I would have not checked on him?  He would have died out there.  He would have frozen to death or would have literally been eaten by something.  I wouldn't have known anything was amiss until the alarm clock went off.  He was out there basically naked and probably wouldn't have lasted more than a couple of hours tops.

I then proceeded to run to the bathroom and toss every single cookie.

I sat awake in the recliner that entire night standing guard.  His Night Terror lasted until about 5:00am and he came down twice more and had to be carried back to bed.

The next morning, we put a new doorknob on the door equipped with a lock that Gage can't turn.  We have a door alarm on order, and will be putting up a major fence and gating our driveway much sooner than we anticipated.

We made some enormous changes in our "day to day" as well.  The TV has been taken out of Gage's room.  Video games are only allowed on the weekend IF his week has gone without major hiccups and we are keeping the activity a little more slower paced.

Gage's struggles are still in full force.  These days he will not sleep alone.  He has decided that the idea of barber shears is basically equal to death.  He is falling quite a bit again.  

We will make it through though, because we always do.  

As for me... it will take a long time to recover.  It was honestly the worst experience of my life, which could have taken an Earth shattering turn.  I am trying to hold on to that last scrap of me that is care-free and patient but it is quickly diminishing.  I am angry and I am hurt that life keeps handing me balls of catastrophes to try and figure out.  I am angry that my stress load never lets up.

At this point... I am just trying to survive and keep the kiddo's afloat.  I know now that I need to seriously work on our support team.  I recently had an email meeting with the kids Pediatrician and he gave me some of the best advice I have gotten in a long time...

"Families with a Special Needs child thrive with the help of their families and friends.  They need their entire Community to show them kindness and support.  You have this need three times over, and therefore need to surround yourself with only the best people life has to offer.  You have lived a life of trauma for over 7 years.  It's time to go looking for people who will support you guys, and help carry the stress load".

So via Facebook about a week ago I basically asked if there were people out there that wanted to be a part of our extended family...  I am reaching out to you all.  I need help and I need support, and my kiddos need love and friends.  If you think this is something your backbone can take... throw me a line and I will take the hook graciously.