Life is insane and sometimes "one big emotion fest". Fall is one of the hardest times of year for me, because of the complete schedule change. We go from the relaxing days of Summer and good health for all, to appointments, therapies in town, meetings and SICKNESS!!!!! All of these things (besides the sickness) have pretty huge positives, it is just the mash-up of it all and the kids' lack of cooperation most days that wears me down. I haven't so much felt like blogging lately for these exact reasons. By the time I get some free time, I would rather let my brain shut down while I play on Pinterest or Facebook. Even now, I have pretty close to no motivation to write and I am starting to feel like I am not making sense at all. I am thinking that means this will be a short little entry. Tiny even. Small.
As I am writing this little entry, I am sitting in the living room looking around. I am looking at all of my tiny people. That is right. It is Midnight and my children are in the living room. Fast asleep.
We all have beds. Our beds are located in this very tiny house that we love. Yet, here we are... all huddled up in the living room, and do you know why? Because we all very genuinely enjoy being around each other. Bo's special bed is located down here in the living room because he is becoming so active. I do not want him upstairs in case he actually does make it over the rails to the floor and ultimately falls down the stairs. His bed is near the couch and the couch currently has a sleeping Cote on one end. Soon I will be sleeping on the other end where Cote can't poke me in the eye and fish-hook me while I am asleep. Gage is camped out in one of the recliners. It is completely kicked back and he made a bed on it. He has a Fisher Price lantern under one arm, and a healthy stack of books under the other. If Keith didn't work the night shift, I can guarantee he would be passed out in the other recliner just to be near us. This is my little family. We have a small house. I have had the same van for over 6 years. I barter and I clearance shop for things we need or want. We don't have a lot of extra's.
What we have is more love amongst ourselves and towards others than you could ever imagine. We love cuddling and playing and even all just sleeping in the same room. Some parents would probably think I am a weirdo, but I have really been realizing lately that time is absolutely flying by and they are growing so fast. Why not have as many slumber party nights as we possibly can? Besides, a major perk to homeschooling is that we start at whatever time in the morning that we need to, and we can do homework in our PJ's!
My eye's are droopy just I am ecstatic to go cuddle with my little warm Cote. I wonder what time Gage will squeeze in next to her and I am curious if Bo will last all night without reaching over the side of his bed to yank my hair!
Good night all!
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Big Mouth
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| Do you think these kids are a punishment? |
There is always a backlash. There is always a backlash to being an Advocate. For standing up for the underdog. For standing up for myself. For standing up for my children. For talking about things people want to pretend don't exist. Always. A. Backlash.
I was feeling good about the fact I hadn't received hate mail in almost a month! Whoop! That is exciting for me!!! Sure, I have received very little positive feedback for my blogs, but there is something about receiving NO negative feedback! It makes a person feel like they are actually getting somewhere! My blog reaches many people per day and gets quite a few hits. It always surprises me that I don't receive many comments considering how many folks actually peek at it. Sometimes it surprises me how many people plain refuse to read it, lol. But many people read it and I rarely hear what they think anymore.
So anyways, I have been feeling pretty good about the lack of hate mail. Life has been chaotic and stressful for me lately so I have been letting it all pour out in my blog. When you put your heart and soul out for everyone, negativity is always a bummer. Today I was digging through my email file looking for an email someone let me know they sent me. I sifted through my Inbox and found nothing. I decided to hit up my Junk folder. I never go in there because it is usually full of ad's for erectile dysfunction. Low and behold, there was the email I was looking for as well as about two dozen others that did not look like Spam. I moved them all to my Inbox to look at this evening.
Tonight when I opened them, I could have vomited. Nasty, nasty emails were in there from what looks like people in my own community.
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"You sound like an idiot."
"Your children were given to you by God to teach you a lesson."
"Our community does not need a person like you tainting it."
"You wonder why people don't invite your children to things, look at who their mother is."
"Why did you even move here."
"You had better start praying."
"You don't want to go to church? The church doesn't want you in it."
"People do not support you. You are a joke to people."
This is not all. This isn't even a fraction of what I have received by private email or Facebook message over the last couple of years. It is always painful and I never get used to it. I rarely get something positive, but when I do I save it, treasure it and appreciate it.
I will never stop doing what I am doing. I will never shut up. Cowards will not get me down. I will keep writing and keep speaking up.
A wave is created by a ripple.
I refuse to sit back and believe my children should be institutionalized, ignored or avoided. There will come a day where whether or not you like it, my kids are going to sit by yours and play. You are NOT going to tell me I made my children this way by my lack of belief in your religion. You are NOT going to avoid eye contact with me anymore.
I am going to keep writing about how everyone has the right to believe in what they damn well want to. You cannot tell someone they have to believe in what you believe in just because the real world makes you uncomfortable. Open your eyes. There is a huge world out there outside of Minnesota and North Dakota!
I am going to shout as loud as I can that Gay Marriage Fucking Rocks! That's right, I totally swore. Do you know why? Because I am mad as Hell!
A woman has the right to choose what she wants to do with her own body. You don't like it? Don't follow her lead! Start up the adoption process and focus on the thousands of older children, teens and young adults who have grown up in the system and are past the cutsie stage waiting for forever families.
Interracial relationships are golden and produce what I consider the most gorgeous babies on Earth.
I am a Democrat. Republican candidates don't give a rats-ass about my kids.
Romney Delegate Says Children with Disabilities are God’s Punishment for Abortion
Romney Plan Cuts Medicaid $1.26 T Over 9 Years (Hey... that's us! And your parents! And your grandparents!)
There are so many more but it just makes me angry to look at it!
So here is what I have to say in a nutshell... if you have positive things to say or you like my blog or you appreciate the fact that I am putting it all out there, by all means let the world know :) If you hate it or oppose, please leave a comment for the whole class to see. Don't be a basher.
Remember that I have a life outside of this blog. You make think I am a rotten person, but I am a rotten person that supports and loves everyone. I do it with a stress level you can never imagine and about 10 hours of sleep a week. And I do it smiling.
*Many more Blogs to come. No one is going to hold me back from standing up for whomever needs me.
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| They are the reason I do what I do. Be honored I let you in to see our lives. |
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Socialism... Socialization... Socialite... Eh, I Need a Glass of Wine.
I am exhausted. Utterly exhausted. I am unsure how much sense this blog post is going to make, and frankly I don't mind. I am about 3 days behind on emails, yet instead of answering them, I am blogging. Nice priorities, right? I want to wait until my head clears a bit so that when I reply I don't sound like a raving lunatic. I will no matter what though, this I know.
We are in the midst of our first week back at the therapy department in town. For the Summer the therapists came out our farm here, so that we could get a bit of a break. Now it is Fall and we are trying to get back into the swing of things. The kids enjoyed their first day back and I am really hoping that it helps Gage to have a routine again. His Sensory issues are through the roof right now. At home we have started back up with the Sensory brushing so I am desperately hoping that it helps a bit. Bo and Cote did excellent, so I am hoping this Summer gave them the break they needed to get their therapy motivation back.
We are in the midst of our third week of homeschooling and so far I have yet to regret my decision. We are now on the Letter E and the Number 3. We do a letter or a number one day and then spend the next couple of days reviewing before we add the next one. Everyday before we start class, we review all of the letters and numbers we have learned so far, Things are coming along finally and I am happy. I spend most of the time redirecting him though, and that's OK. I sit right by his side and I can almost imagine how a public classroom would be for both him as well has his hypothetical teacher.
Bo and Cote work with Melissa on worksheets and Art projects while Gage and I are duking it out at the table. So far they seem to really be enjoying (or tolerating) everything she is doing. Today they made super cute little Elmo masks and Gage was really jealous. We have been working so hard at catching a good rhythm that we still have not fit in Art time. Yes I am struggling a bit there.
In the midst of all of this, the heat is on to find extra-curriculars for the kids. Most of the flack I am getting is socialization for Gage, but in my opinion it is just as important for Bo and Cote to receive some as well. What some people don't realize that as much as a typical child needs and thrives from socialization, too much makes Gage "spiral". Me picking activities is hard because I have to weigh the pro's and cons. He needs to be around kids at least 2-3 times a week. Nothing too rammy. Nothing too loud. Hmmm... let me think... Hardy Har Har... anytime little kids get together, all they are is loud and rammy. I am so lost as to what the best outlets would be for him... for Bo and Cote....
I threw around the idea of church again. I really struggle with this one and it is just such an internal battle. How do you attend something as a total fake? I cannot go into a church knowing that I would be disrespectful in my heart. I cannot force myself to believe in something that I just don't believe in. So many times I wish I could, but I cannot. Then we get into the topic that I am a Human Rights Advocate. I have to stand up for other peoples rights and beliefs. If I was in a church and overheard something, I know I could never keep the yap shut. I believe EVERYONE (including Christians) have the right to their own beliefs and their own choices. Thirdly, anyone who is around us lately could vouch first hand to Gage's serious love of all things Science. He loves loves loves Science and he is actually getting a bit advanced in it. I do not want that squashed with confusion. He already believes in Evolution. So that is what is going on there. Although I know the churches in this area offer so many wonderful programs for the kids, and would be so accepting of them. *sigh*
Today I saw a number of postings on Facebook on the subject of putting the Pledge Of Allegiance back in schools. I think it is a beautiful thing for children to learn, with the exception that they change the wording. Not everyone believes in God. Our country is evolving and that is a good thing. We, as a nation, need to realize that forcing someone to believe in God is the same as asking an African American woman to use a different bathroom back in the 1950's. It is a type of discrimination. Forcing a child who is of a different religion to say the Pledge Of Allegiance with it's current wording, is teaching that child that our great nation cares nothing for her. That we don't care about her personal beliefs or her family, and I believe it strikes a type of fear in Non-Christians that absolutely does not need to be there. Just my 40 cents.
Also, today was the Anniversary of 9/11. Awful day. Heart wrenching day. Every year I think of all of the people we lost and the many we have lost since then. It is a tragedy of which I don't think our generation will ever recover.
With that I shall end this, because I am starting to see double. Ta Ta. Good night, and reel in your angry thoughts when reading this post. In no religion is hatred accepted.
We are in the midst of our first week back at the therapy department in town. For the Summer the therapists came out our farm here, so that we could get a bit of a break. Now it is Fall and we are trying to get back into the swing of things. The kids enjoyed their first day back and I am really hoping that it helps Gage to have a routine again. His Sensory issues are through the roof right now. At home we have started back up with the Sensory brushing so I am desperately hoping that it helps a bit. Bo and Cote did excellent, so I am hoping this Summer gave them the break they needed to get their therapy motivation back.
We are in the midst of our third week of homeschooling and so far I have yet to regret my decision. We are now on the Letter E and the Number 3. We do a letter or a number one day and then spend the next couple of days reviewing before we add the next one. Everyday before we start class, we review all of the letters and numbers we have learned so far, Things are coming along finally and I am happy. I spend most of the time redirecting him though, and that's OK. I sit right by his side and I can almost imagine how a public classroom would be for both him as well has his hypothetical teacher.
Bo and Cote work with Melissa on worksheets and Art projects while Gage and I are duking it out at the table. So far they seem to really be enjoying (or tolerating) everything she is doing. Today they made super cute little Elmo masks and Gage was really jealous. We have been working so hard at catching a good rhythm that we still have not fit in Art time. Yes I am struggling a bit there.
In the midst of all of this, the heat is on to find extra-curriculars for the kids. Most of the flack I am getting is socialization for Gage, but in my opinion it is just as important for Bo and Cote to receive some as well. What some people don't realize that as much as a typical child needs and thrives from socialization, too much makes Gage "spiral". Me picking activities is hard because I have to weigh the pro's and cons. He needs to be around kids at least 2-3 times a week. Nothing too rammy. Nothing too loud. Hmmm... let me think... Hardy Har Har... anytime little kids get together, all they are is loud and rammy. I am so lost as to what the best outlets would be for him... for Bo and Cote....
I threw around the idea of church again. I really struggle with this one and it is just such an internal battle. How do you attend something as a total fake? I cannot go into a church knowing that I would be disrespectful in my heart. I cannot force myself to believe in something that I just don't believe in. So many times I wish I could, but I cannot. Then we get into the topic that I am a Human Rights Advocate. I have to stand up for other peoples rights and beliefs. If I was in a church and overheard something, I know I could never keep the yap shut. I believe EVERYONE (including Christians) have the right to their own beliefs and their own choices. Thirdly, anyone who is around us lately could vouch first hand to Gage's serious love of all things Science. He loves loves loves Science and he is actually getting a bit advanced in it. I do not want that squashed with confusion. He already believes in Evolution. So that is what is going on there. Although I know the churches in this area offer so many wonderful programs for the kids, and would be so accepting of them. *sigh*
Today I saw a number of postings on Facebook on the subject of putting the Pledge Of Allegiance back in schools. I think it is a beautiful thing for children to learn, with the exception that they change the wording. Not everyone believes in God. Our country is evolving and that is a good thing. We, as a nation, need to realize that forcing someone to believe in God is the same as asking an African American woman to use a different bathroom back in the 1950's. It is a type of discrimination. Forcing a child who is of a different religion to say the Pledge Of Allegiance with it's current wording, is teaching that child that our great nation cares nothing for her. That we don't care about her personal beliefs or her family, and I believe it strikes a type of fear in Non-Christians that absolutely does not need to be there. Just my 40 cents.
Also, today was the Anniversary of 9/11. Awful day. Heart wrenching day. Every year I think of all of the people we lost and the many we have lost since then. It is a tragedy of which I don't think our generation will ever recover.
With that I shall end this, because I am starting to see double. Ta Ta. Good night, and reel in your angry thoughts when reading this post. In no religion is hatred accepted.
Friday, September 7, 2012
I Want...
For those of you who know me, the me you know is always smiling. The me you know always has a kind word, a hug, a joke or a shoulder for you. The me you know has muscles that are under my skin, as well as in my voice. You know me as the "Power Mom". The mom who stays up for days at a time, but acts completely unaffected. The mom who has a schedule that could kill a rhino. The mom who stands up for all others and the mom who has devoted her life to her children.
You are in so many ways correct.
The mom you don't get to see is the one who deals with her pain every day in private. I am the mom who cries in shower so her children never see. I am the mom who tells the world her families secrets to better educate her children's peers. I am the mom who will explain her life to anyone and everyone who will listen, to teach people that we are here and we are not a dirty little secret. It is me who corrects strangers and loved ones when they use language that twists a dagger in my heart. It is me who carries the words I heard or saw around with me for the rest of the day. For the rest of the week. The word R*tard chokes me. Short bus is like a punch in the spine. When I see people mocking someone with Intellectual Disablities I fight the urge to burst into hysterics. Does anyone care about the mom rocking her non-verbal child as they and their children throw that language around like it's funny? No. No one is thinking about us, because it is easier to pretend we don't exist.
But we do.
We exist so much that we absolutely love you. We love your children. We buy extravagant gifts for the parties we are invited to. We want an invite next year. We all give the biggest hugs. Those of us who can talk, tell the best stories and all of us can make you roll with laughter. We are super cute and we smell nice. We are always grateful and have awesome manners. Bo and Cote perhaps not. Maybe not even Gage. Keith and I have awesome manners. Unless Keith is really tired and then he is more like a zombie. I have impeccable manners.
I am the mom who drinks three pots of coffee a day just to make sure the kids are taken care of. It is me who never has a clean house anymore and it is me who feels like a slob for it. It is me who goes to town with food on her clothes. Bo and Cote still hate to eat and I am still going to fight them till the death on it. I will fight them until the end of time if I have to, but by damn, they are going to eat. Do you know what my personal feeding goal is for them? Our lifetime feeding goal? I dream of going through a McDonald's drive through and ordering them french fries that I can hand back to them. Unattended. Unpureed. Salted. Something as insignificant and unhealthy as fast food is my LIFETIME feeding goal for the kids. That's me... I am the naughty mom.
I am in no way perfect. My hair is falling out and I have gained 50 pounds since Cote was born due to stress. I never can find my glasses so I walk around with my world in a blur sometimes, just because I don't have the energy to even look for them. I am overly sensitive in so many ways. If someone says something mean to me, I crumble. I don't let it show though, because that's not my job. My job is to make sure I can run my rear off for 20 hours a day. My job is to try and do it with grace so no one knows I struggle. Struggling shows weakness. The weak don't survive in my world. The weak get shunned.
My job is to make sure no one know's how hard my life is sometimes. If anyone knows how hard things are, that is all the more reason they have to push me farther away. All I want is for my children to have friends. Even just one friend a piece. I would happily die right now if I could ensure that they each get to have one friend to follow them through their lives. No one wants their children to be friends with mine. No one wants to force their child to get to know mine. I just want to tell parents that sometimes life is about reaching for things outside your comfort zone. That children learn by example. That I just want my children to be liked.
Sometimes I don't want to always have the knowledge in the back of my head that there is a 50% chance my children will end up in an institution or a home when they get older. That if anything ever happened to Keith and I, they could end up in one as children, teens or young adults. That when Keith and I pass on, they will be pretty close to alone and they will not have families of their own. That the world will pass my babies by and they won't be able to understand why I am not with them. Sometimes I don't want to think about the fact that children like them are put in homes everyday because their families cannot handle them. That once they lose that "baby cuteness" they are just too hard to deal with. Sometimes I pray for the strength to push me through the years and to be able to help them gain ground cognitively. To help my body hang in there for the long haul. To help my Gage not become bitter.
Sometimes I don't want to have to fight for everything. Sometimes I want to be offered something for my children. Sometimes I want some recognition for how hard my family works for independence. My family does not take everything that is offered to us. Instead, my husband works his rear off, working 12 hours days and double shifts at Polaris when he can. We pinch pennies until the bitter end. We thrift. We barter. Sometimes I want things to just fall into place. Sometimes I don't want to have to get in verbal fights with people in the school system or insurance companies or medical professionals. It doesn't mean I won't get in a fight with them, but sometimes I just don't want to have to. Sometimes I want to hear that they understand and they will do the best they can to help the children. I want hear that without fighting.
I want to know people understand Gage is a wonderful kid. I also want him to get the help he needs. To understand that some of the things he does are not because he is naughty, but rather just trying to cope with his sensory issues. I ALSO want to survive being a parent of three children with Special Needs. I want a back rub and I want more coffee filters. I only have one left.
When you read my blogs I know that at times I sound like the most joyous person in the entire world and at other times I sound like a Downer Downerson. That's life, my friend. Sometimes we are having an awesome day here and sometimes we are not. This blog is my way of getting it all off of my chest or bragging about current events in our home. Nonetheless when you read my words, I hope you walk away with a better understanding of what our lives are really like. It is not a bed of peonies and it is not a living hell.
It is just life and it's our own version of it.
What I want, is to give you a peek at it.
You are in so many ways correct.
The mom you don't get to see is the one who deals with her pain every day in private. I am the mom who cries in shower so her children never see. I am the mom who tells the world her families secrets to better educate her children's peers. I am the mom who will explain her life to anyone and everyone who will listen, to teach people that we are here and we are not a dirty little secret. It is me who corrects strangers and loved ones when they use language that twists a dagger in my heart. It is me who carries the words I heard or saw around with me for the rest of the day. For the rest of the week. The word R*tard chokes me. Short bus is like a punch in the spine. When I see people mocking someone with Intellectual Disablities I fight the urge to burst into hysterics. Does anyone care about the mom rocking her non-verbal child as they and their children throw that language around like it's funny? No. No one is thinking about us, because it is easier to pretend we don't exist.
But we do.
We exist so much that we absolutely love you. We love your children. We buy extravagant gifts for the parties we are invited to. We want an invite next year. We all give the biggest hugs. Those of us who can talk, tell the best stories and all of us can make you roll with laughter. We are super cute and we smell nice. We are always grateful and have awesome manners. Bo and Cote perhaps not. Maybe not even Gage. Keith and I have awesome manners. Unless Keith is really tired and then he is more like a zombie. I have impeccable manners.
I am the mom who drinks three pots of coffee a day just to make sure the kids are taken care of. It is me who never has a clean house anymore and it is me who feels like a slob for it. It is me who goes to town with food on her clothes. Bo and Cote still hate to eat and I am still going to fight them till the death on it. I will fight them until the end of time if I have to, but by damn, they are going to eat. Do you know what my personal feeding goal is for them? Our lifetime feeding goal? I dream of going through a McDonald's drive through and ordering them french fries that I can hand back to them. Unattended. Unpureed. Salted. Something as insignificant and unhealthy as fast food is my LIFETIME feeding goal for the kids. That's me... I am the naughty mom.
I am in no way perfect. My hair is falling out and I have gained 50 pounds since Cote was born due to stress. I never can find my glasses so I walk around with my world in a blur sometimes, just because I don't have the energy to even look for them. I am overly sensitive in so many ways. If someone says something mean to me, I crumble. I don't let it show though, because that's not my job. My job is to make sure I can run my rear off for 20 hours a day. My job is to try and do it with grace so no one knows I struggle. Struggling shows weakness. The weak don't survive in my world. The weak get shunned.
My job is to make sure no one know's how hard my life is sometimes. If anyone knows how hard things are, that is all the more reason they have to push me farther away. All I want is for my children to have friends. Even just one friend a piece. I would happily die right now if I could ensure that they each get to have one friend to follow them through their lives. No one wants their children to be friends with mine. No one wants to force their child to get to know mine. I just want to tell parents that sometimes life is about reaching for things outside your comfort zone. That children learn by example. That I just want my children to be liked.
Sometimes I don't want to always have the knowledge in the back of my head that there is a 50% chance my children will end up in an institution or a home when they get older. That if anything ever happened to Keith and I, they could end up in one as children, teens or young adults. That when Keith and I pass on, they will be pretty close to alone and they will not have families of their own. That the world will pass my babies by and they won't be able to understand why I am not with them. Sometimes I don't want to think about the fact that children like them are put in homes everyday because their families cannot handle them. That once they lose that "baby cuteness" they are just too hard to deal with. Sometimes I pray for the strength to push me through the years and to be able to help them gain ground cognitively. To help my body hang in there for the long haul. To help my Gage not become bitter.
Sometimes I don't want to have to fight for everything. Sometimes I want to be offered something for my children. Sometimes I want some recognition for how hard my family works for independence. My family does not take everything that is offered to us. Instead, my husband works his rear off, working 12 hours days and double shifts at Polaris when he can. We pinch pennies until the bitter end. We thrift. We barter. Sometimes I want things to just fall into place. Sometimes I don't want to have to get in verbal fights with people in the school system or insurance companies or medical professionals. It doesn't mean I won't get in a fight with them, but sometimes I just don't want to have to. Sometimes I want to hear that they understand and they will do the best they can to help the children. I want hear that without fighting.
I want to know people understand Gage is a wonderful kid. I also want him to get the help he needs. To understand that some of the things he does are not because he is naughty, but rather just trying to cope with his sensory issues. I ALSO want to survive being a parent of three children with Special Needs. I want a back rub and I want more coffee filters. I only have one left.
When you read my blogs I know that at times I sound like the most joyous person in the entire world and at other times I sound like a Downer Downerson. That's life, my friend. Sometimes we are having an awesome day here and sometimes we are not. This blog is my way of getting it all off of my chest or bragging about current events in our home. Nonetheless when you read my words, I hope you walk away with a better understanding of what our lives are really like. It is not a bed of peonies and it is not a living hell.
It is just life and it's our own version of it.
What I want, is to give you a peek at it.
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