Kindness in the Midst of Dark Times

Kindness finds you and seeps into your heart at sometimes the darkest times.  Sometimes you need it and do not realize it, until it reaches up and pulls at your soul.

Things these past few weeks have been hard out here at the farm.  Being a family of five with only one person working outside of the home is hard all year long, but during the Holidays, even more.  There is so much pressure to not only show the kids a good time, but to also teach them the power of giving.  Throw on top of that the fact that they have three sets of Grandparents, three Uncles that celebrate the holidays with us, a good handful of Godparents, another handful of Great-Grandparents, friends, therapists and teachers.  The pressure to teach the kids the power of giving is overwhelming, as is the fact that it is just plain rude for me not to provide gifts for the people in our lives.

Every year, I hope and plan to be able to do this more efficiently, and every year some catastrophe happens.  The kids always come first.  One year, they were the only ones we could afford gifts for.  I felt terrible, but what can you do?  I always hope that the other adults in ours lives will understand, but I worry they won't.  For me, I personally do not enjoy opening gifts and that feeling I get knowing someone spent their money on me.  Pretty weird, right?  I actually ask Keith every year to not buy me anything, so we can make sure the kids and everyone else has what they need.  The best part of Christmas and Yule for me is watching everyone else open their gifts anyway.  Seeing their faces light up.  Hearing the excited squeals   THAT is happiness for me.  Knowing for a moment, every worry and every sadness is purely washed away for someone, even for a second.

I try on a daily basis to do kind and giving things for people.  Whether it be to listen to their sorrows, cheer someone up, do photo edits and photography, share a loving word or compliment, give a hug, provide any sort of donation.... I am there.  I am there because it is the good thing to do and I believe strongly in being a good person.  You never know what sort of impact you can have in someones life, by even just providing them a smile.  You can keep a child warm by donating a blanket.  You can feed a family by dropping food or cash off at the food shelf.  I truly hope you are getting my point.  Happiness for me is knowing that everyone around me is happy.  Safe.  Healthy.  Secure.  You will not find jewelry in my house or a ton of clothes and what not for myself.  I have had my vehicle for 6 years and it is starting to get rusty from use.  I own one pair of shoes for each season.  

My life becomes rich when I give.

This year is going to be especially hard for us.  Keith threw out his back and four ribs a couple weeks ago, and we still do not know if he will receive Short Term Disability for his time missed at work.  That is possibly two weeks with no pay whatsoever.  At a time when we live on a very strict budget, this will be detrimental to my family.  The fact it is directly before the Holidays makes it even worse.  On top of the lack of pay, we will have another Emergency Room bill as well as a hefty Chiropractor bill.  Thinking about it basically takes the wind completely out of my sails.

When you add this to all of my daily stress, as well as the issue's I have been having with Gage's flare up, Bo's new mean streak, Cote's terrible immune system and my basic life drama.... Let's just say I have been trying to hold all of my pieces together in the midst of them crumbling.

Today I went out to check the mail.  It was the first time I had checked it in days.  I hate checking the mail, because it always contains bad news.  This time it did.... and it didn't.

Me, as I sat down to open the stacks of mail on the table.  I wanted to see if I looked as bad as I felt.  Yes, Rachel... you look bad.

This stack is all of our kid paperwork for the week as well as therapy bills I have to call and fight about.  Worst part of my life.  I hate fighting.  This is the part of being a Special Needs parent that almost breaks me every week.

In the mix I see this envelope.  It has me as the sender, as well as the receiver.  Very intriguing.  Maybe it is a bill that someone very desperately wants me to make sure I receive?

This is what I see on the back.  I don't think this is a bill.  If it is, they sure are trying to butter me up.

This is absolutely not a bill.  Someone sent me a surprise gift card.  *sob*  Someone took the time and spread some kindness my way.  I have no idea who and I have no idea why, but I think this was just about one of the nicest things that anyone has ever done for me.  I will appreciate this forever.

So whoever you are that sent me this, it isn't the fact I have a fancy new Gift Card that clenches my heart.... it was that you restored my hope in the Holiday's this year.  I don't know what this next month or two is going to hold for my family financially, but I needed the reminder that it is acts of Kindness that mean the most.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Love,

Rachel

Homeschooling Perk

It is officially 1:19am and I have not heard a peep out of Gage, other than his regular sleep talking.  This is a good sign and a signal that clearing the schedule and shutting everything out was what he needed.  Times like this make me happy we decided to Homeschool.  It was not an easy choice, nor has it been popular with the people we know, but each day I am more and more supportive of it.

Because we Homeschool, today I was able to make the choice to shut the ringer off, bundle him up and have class with the lights dimmed.  We were able to do some warm baths and I was able to rock him in the chair. I made him comfort foods all day, and came to the realization that he is doing much worse than I expected.  Whenever Gage reaches a peak, I whip up some of his favorites to see how well he eats.  Many kids with SPD struggle with eating because that too is a very sensory act.  For breakfast I made chocolate chip waffles with spun butter, which he ate a little less than one of.  For lunch I made perogies and bacon, which he ate about one bite of.  Dinner was the old faithful, Mac and Cheese.  Two bites maybe.  I got him to drink about a quarter of a glass of milk and one V8 Splashers juicebox.

This is not a good sign.

Gage no longer eating means I have a child with major sensory overload on my hands.  I will be clearing the schedule for tomorrow morning, but at least Tuesdays are light days for us.  We will be working on some worksheets and then doing some different "learn to read" programs on the computer.  It should make for another calming day hopefully.

On a different note....

Today I had some personal life drama that side-tracked me from my kids, and it was a big wake-up call for me.  I will never again get sucked into that sort of thing.  It made a hard day even harder, and my kids were the ones who paid for it.  Even at my age, I need reminders like this, which is sad.  I made a decision today that if something like this happens again, I will have nothing else to do but delete things like Facebook.  It is a bummer considering that as a Stay At Home Mom, that is my main social outlet.  What is a person to do though, when it ends up affecting your home life?

So that's all I have for tonight.  I am going to sign off and hope for some sleep myself.