The Fear of the Unknown.

I hate not knowing what the future holds for my family. I struggle everyday with this, even though I know I am so completely ridiculous. I have so many fears and insecurities. The biggest one on my list is the open question as to if Monkey and Foo will ever be able to walk and will they ever be able to have even partial independence? The hardest part of having children with special needs is knowing that as a mortal being, I will not be able to take care of them forever. There will come a day when I will be gone and I need to know that they will be OK. These are the sorts of things that I think about. I wish I could be the woman whose biggest worries are who has to fill the gas tank on the car this time or winning the battle with the family on what we are watching on the boob tube. Sometimes I honestly get so angry when I hear about the petty things that people complain about, but then I have to remember that I would never wish my trials on another. I never would wish that another mother would have to watch as her precious babies are covered from thier ankles to thier scalp in track marks. I never would want someone else to have to hear that thier children may never walk... may never crawl... may never talk.

I also know that I am incredibly lucky. My life could be much harder, and I know there are many out there that deal with much worse. I am loved and my children are loved and my lover is loved. We all love each other and we will always be there for each other.

I still would like to peek into the future though. I just want to know. I worry about my Moose and how he will come through. Having two siblings is alot for any child, let alone two siblings with special needs. He has his own mountains to climb, and while he does it, he will be dragging a wagon with two babies inside. He is a great child, one of the best really. Sometimes I dont give him credit on his greatness. I have alot of dreams for this three year old, my biggest being that he dream big.

Man I wish I could see the future.

Each day I send my hopes and dreams out to the clouds and the tree's and even the snow in hopes that I will be heard. I can't see the future but I do keep reminding myself that I can mold my own future. I can continue in school, send The Man off to college, get the babies their therapy and practice with them at home and get as involved in the school system as I possibly can.

I must say that I do still fear the unknown.