Help.

Lately I have been wondering a lot about my life. At what point was it that I lost so much trust in Everyone? Anyone? Three years ago I was hurt so immensely, so entirely, that I think the part of me that will allow me to have an open heart was destroyed. I have always been so irritated by people that have a wall up against the ones around them... now I know I am queen to that world.

A little over three years ago, back home, what I experienced was a little like the Salem Witch Trials. That's what it felt like to me anyways. I was put up to judgement from all the people around me. I was lied about, scorned in public, publicly humiliated. The people around me were turned against me one by one till I was to the point that I didnt want to leave my home. I didnt answer the phone, I wouldn't see visitors... I wanted to be left alone. These people ruined my heart for a long time, and to this day I am still working out trust issues. Hell, the aftermath from this time is still occuring and will probably do so till the day I die.

I could go into details. I could go into so many details that the typing would start melting off of the computer screen. Yes it was that bad. Because of that I will not go into details. I try to remember that time as just being ugly and no remember every ugly detail.

Since that time, I had begun to mend. I had worked out my trust issues a bit and was walking a much happier path. Until last Summer. I was blasted again from a very unlikely source, a source so close to home a person would never expect it. I was blasted by family. Not my family, but family nonetheless. I was pregnant, The Man was deployed, Monkey had started therapy, my life was crumbling... and I got blasted.

I was blasted by the latest Deployment...

I was blasted by Hypotonia...

I was blasted by life in general...

Recently I was blasted by family again.

What causes a person to lie? To destroy happiness? Where does deceit come from?

I have hit the "piss or get off the pot" point with this situation. I need to figure out how to mend myself and get it done. I need true happiness and I need to be able to open up to those people in my life that I love. I have started with trying to reserve a little blotch of time everyday just for me... and I hope to get to start walking soon. I am putting this out there so receive advice from the people around me. I know I am not the only person on this earth that struggles with trust issues and I welcome help.