Off the Radar

Off the radar is what I have been. I know I have freaked a lot of people out. Everyone here is back to good health. We did not receive any Earth-Shattering news. The sky hasn't fallen.

I have been struggling with something in a bit of an internal manner. I have dealt with different stages of emotions... Indecision... Shame... Disgust... and finally Hope. I am going to attempt to start at the beginning and keep my fingers crossed you can be understanding.

Right around Christmas time of this year, Keith and I decided that we are going to start Homechooling Gage next year. Gage as you know has Sensory Processing Disorder and we think this would be beneficial to him for at least the next couple of years. We will continue with Community Ed as well as 4-H, Tae Kwon Do, Hockey, Skating Lessons, Occupational Therapy and Cub Scouts when he turns seven.

Immediately after making the Homeschooling decision, I set to work doing research on other Homeschooling families in this community. I found out that there is a Co-op and I set out to befriend these ladies. Everyone I have come in contact with has been super sweet. They have welcomed us into thier circle and worked to guide us through the beginning stages of our Homeschooling Journey. With these ladies, there has been so much positive feedback about all of my kids. They have invited us to playdates and commented on how sweet and fun they are. These are the sort of families I have been hoping to have in our lives since we left the military.

I also have had the pleasure of meeting and befriending a few other families. Very very nice people. Very accepting and welcoming of my family. These are the sorts of families that enjoy doing things with their children... It has just felt so good to get to know all of these wonderful people.

As you are reading this I am sure you are thinking to yourself, "What on earth is the issue then????"

The issue is that they are all very Christian and extremely devout. The Home-school group does the majority of their meet-ups at the churches. They have prayer-groups and talk about their faith a lot. The other families invite us to church quite a bit, speak about their faith and keep their family life very Christian-based.

I am in no way against this at all. I think faith is a beautiful thing, no matter what religion it is. I have always been the kind of person that feels that people should enjoy their religions and be proud of them. I am not against any of the religions and I believe in religious freedom.

I do not have a religion.

I am what I like to call myself, "A religiously open person". I believe all of the religions should be respected and given equal value to.

I am not the kind of person that can just have blind faith in something. I am what I call a "Factoid". I don't know if it happened when I lost my long-term memory, but I have tried and tried to be a woman of faith. I cannot do it. I feel like a liar or a poser.

Over the last few weeks I have cut myself off from the world trying to figure myself out. I have basically raked myself over the coals trying to figure out if I should just start going to church with the hopes that I would eventually start believing. All of the new people in our lives have been so kind, and I don't want the lack of religion to be the thing that pushes them away. I have struggled to get people to open their arms to my children... could it just slip away so easily? Could I maybe just pretend so they keep us in their circle? Invite us to playdate's and get-together's? Could I pretend to believe in the same things as them, so that my children can be friends with theirs?

Then it hit me. For five years I have been fighting for Gay and Lesbian Rights. I have been reassuring my friends that hiding who they are is not a way to live. I have pushed them to be proud of themselves and love themselves. "Free to live how you chose and love who you want!"

I have stood by countless amounts of people; supported them... strengthened them... encouraged them. All those years of being a Human Rights and Equality Activist were thrown out the window when I was faced with adversity. I have never been so ashamed of myself. I realized that in my quest to beat Special Needs Acceptance into people and make my children some friends, I had thrown my own backbone right under the bus.

Keith and I sat down a few evenings ago to have a heart to heart and he basically told me that good people will not care what our religions are. If they are good people, they will focus on whether or not we are good people. Keith and I are good people. Our children are good children. We do our best to love everyone. We are there to lend a helping hand to anyone who needs it. We teach our children good morals and we are respectful of everyone.

I cannot force people to have a relationship with our family, and I cannot let myself continue to be upset that we are not welcomed as I wish we could be. The people who appreciate us are the ones I want to continue having in our lives. I will never stop advocating for my children or anyone else, but I will not ever consider adapting myself or my family just to be accepted.

If our lack of religion is what stops some people from loving us, maybe those people should reevaluate their own faiths.