Kick Up Your Feet

"Rachel, the problem is that you make people uncomfortable."


This is the statement that was said to me recently.  This statement (in multiple different wordings) has been said to me a lot in the last year.  I, plain and simple, make people uncomfortable.  I will give you the shirt off of my back.  I will give your children the food from my fridge.  If I have a spare dollar, I will give it to you for whatever you made need.


No matter what my day has been like, I have a smile and a kind word for you.  Stranger or best friend, I do my best to make your day the best it can be.  I crack jokes, I give hugs and I share the things I have.  I am not always a happy person, but the only person I let that show to is myself.  I try very hard to keep my stitches tight and this boat afloat.  I try to lend a hand and a compassionate shoulder to cry on to the people in my life.  Whether you are family, friend or acquaintance I will do my best to make sure you are taken care of.  


I do not drink more than a glass or two of wine a month.  I have not been in a bar in years.  I do not do much of anything without a child in tow.  I have come to terms with the fact that people wish I was the "old" Rachel.  The Rachel before children.  The Rachel who watched their children.  The Rachel who was the entertainer.  The Rachel who was the drinking buddy.  The Rachel who was the shoulder to cry on.  I am not the Rachel anymore and I never will be again.  I have come to terms with the fact that people can't handle seeing my children.  They don't know what to say.  They are afraid to offend me, so they avoid me.  These last four years there have only been a couple of shoulders for ME to cry on, although there are 350 people on my FB friends list.  There are people I held so dear to my heart, that have avoided me like the plague.  People that I thought would be there for me til the end, that didn't even invite me to their weddings.


Yet, I am the one that makes people uncomfortable.


I am a bit of a solitary soul.  I live on a farm in the middle of nowhere.  I have my husband and children and the couple of people the come out here, such as Melissa and grandparents.  I do not have the patience to deal with adults who are petty or disrespectful, as all of my patience goes to my children.  I do not have it in me to deal with any sort of drama.  I also don't have it in me to beg people to include us anymore.  I have hit a point where I have realized that if you don't want to invite my children to parties or play dates, or be a part of their lives, it is your loss.  I can't force you to want to get to know the real me.  I can't force you to want to get to know my family.  


Yet, I am the one who makes people uncomfortable.


Here is the reason why.  I am honest.  I am an Activist.  I will never lie to you about my children.  I will never  allow someone to be ashamed of themselves in any way if it is within my power.  I will stand up for anyone including myself.  I do not believe in bullying of any form.  I will always pick up that person being trampled on, whether it is in person or online, brush them off and teach them to puff out their chest.  I will stand by what I believe in.  I will stand by people who want to empower their peers.   Even if your beliefs are not my own, I will stand by your right to believe in them.   I choose to be proud of the things I believe in.  I choose to believe that it is everyone's right to live out their days they way they deem fit.  I choose to raise my children the way I feel is right.  I choose to not follow a certain religion even though I do not believe in it.  I choose to support other human beings in the choices they make.


Imagine a box.... a box full of all of the things perhaps you feel are your particular rules of life.  Let's say you reside in said box, as well as many many other people... maybe millions.  Think outside of that box... climb out and look around a little bit.  That's where you will find me.  I will be the one in the clouds and the grass and the water and the air.... anywhere but inside that box.  I suppose I would maybe even be called a "modern day hippie" and I am completely OK with that.


So here is something for you to ponder.  If the reason you push me away is that I make you uncomfortable, maybe it is time you start living and thinking outside of your box.