Too Old to go into Battle

It has been six months since the last time I blogged, and since then I have been traveling on an extremely bumpy road.  I actually had not been planning on writing until I had revamped the blog, but I find myself feeling extremely low tonight.

Since I was last on here I have battled some wars, healed the wounds of others and tried to keep putting good karma out in the world.

It is not doing me a lick of good.

I will get into the bit weighing on me tonight.

As some of you know, this month is my birthday.  I will be turning the big ole 32.  That is right... 32!!!!  I had envisioned my life full of joy and wisdom at this point.  Instead, I find myself having to delete my Facebook... my one social outlet... because I just can't handle people any longer.  I do not want to see people write rotten stuff to me.  I do not want to watch people blatantly ignore me.  I do not want to be shunned, nor do I want to be guilt tripped.  I do not have it in me to deal with those things anymore.  With my age, also come impatience for adults.  I literally cannot handle it anymore.

I do not have time for it.  I don't.

I have not felt this down or this hopeless in an extremely long time.  It has been one hit after another... and I keep trying to be a loving person to the people around me, but it is never enough.  It doesn't matter how I try to be there with someone else, as soon as they see the tiniest crack in my falsely hard-looking exterior, they make a dive for it.  There is something about me that makes people want to attack.  I see it in my boys... that social awkwardness... and I want to cry for them.  They have many years ahead of them of people trying to crush their spirit.  It will be my job to try and teach them to rise above it, especially my Gage.  He is so completely like me.  So loving, so forgiving and so naive.

Here is a pointer for anyone who is questioning my state of emotional health.... I have three children with Special Needs at home.  I do not want to play any petty games.  I just want to have some nice grown up conversations.  I do not want to be shunned because I have different religious beliefs.  I do not want to be shunned because I have children different from yours.  I do not want to be shunned because I didn't do exactly what you wanted me to.  I just want to live my life in a way where people who are supposed to be lifting me up, are not wasting my time by dragging me down.

So here I am tonight... chugging "Calm Down" tea like I am dying of dehydration, trying to figure out where my life will go next.  My husband is working overtime again to provide for his family, so I am left all alone with my thoughts.

This afternoon I also found out that the injections I have to take to control my seizure disorder are completely unavailable nationwide for at least three months!  Oh joy!  If I could just get my health under control, I know I could get off of those injections as well as my medications for PCOS.  So, I am spending my time researching nutritional and holistic ways of combating my health woes instead of being on Facebook.

Also, about my blog revamp.  I will be switching it over entirely!  New name, new theme and new set up!  It will be a big surprise, so stay tuned!!!