I thought writing that previous blog would make me feel better. I thought maybe talking about my stress would relieve some. It did not. It did not help. What's going to help?
How does a person cope when so many things have take so many unexpected turns in a few short years? How does a person cope when you receive news that your child isnt going to do what most children can do? How do you cope when you receive that news again?
I have never allowed myself the chance to work through everything. My days spin more and more out of control, and I seldom get a chance to sort out these last couple of years.
I want answers to why this has all happened and I want answers as to what the future holds for our family.
I want to know what more I should be doing to help my babies.
I want to know when I can let my guard down.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
And so, it rears it's ugly head.
Post Partum Depression? Anxiety? Stress? Who know's what the technical term may be. What I know is this; I am having some big damn issue's. I feel like everyday is a blur these days. The world spins faster and faster and I can't keep up. So much to do, so many things to accomplish, in one short tiny day. Schedules, tasks, phone calls. Bottles, feedings, diapers, pull ups, naps, cleaning, laundry, appointments, therapy, cooking, reading, playing outside, homework, tests, labs, vehicle maintenence... this list goes on. And on. And on. Sometimes I just want to talk to someone that could come close to understanding. Instead I just keep it all to myself as I struggle to keep it together for yet another day. I cant crumble and I cant show weakness. If I do I am a bad Mom. I need to be doing exactly what every therapist wants me to be doing. If I miss something I am a bad Mom. All the kids need to be eating these perfect meals that support thier particular diets. If I get McDonalds I am a bad Mom. If I forget to have the diaper bag perfectly packed I am a bad Mom. If I want to take a nap I am a bad Mom. If I am not up and current on all of the local childrems programs I am a bad Mom. If I dont have every single fucking educational toy known to man, I am a bad Mom. If there is a smudge of pudding I missed when I wiped faces, I am a bad Mom. If I dont remember everything that was said at an appointment word for word, I am a bad Mom.
Well, you know what? Get the fuck off my back. Take one afternoon out of your existance and job shadow my life. I have a husband who is coping with returning home after his second LONG deployment in 3 years. First deployment-15 months. Second deployment- 12 months. I have a 3 year old with Athsma, Cerebral Palsy, possible Autism Spectrum Disorder, and hyperactivity. I have a soon to be 2 year old who has Global Developmental Delays. He cannot crawl, he cannot talk, he drinks bottles and cannot feed himself. He is completely dependent on me. I have an 8 month old who is in the exact same boat.
I would love to see any of the people who judge me take a short stint in my life. It's not easy and I dont complain, but every once in a while I need to be human. I am not superwoman, but the minute I breathe frusteration I am a bad Mom.
Sometimes I need help too. Sometimes I need someone to talk to also. Sometimes I want to scream and sometimes I want to cry. Hell, sometimes I want to go to a therapist. But I cant. Try fitting any of these things into my schedule and you will laugh.
Well, you know what? Get the fuck off my back. Take one afternoon out of your existance and job shadow my life. I have a husband who is coping with returning home after his second LONG deployment in 3 years. First deployment-15 months. Second deployment- 12 months. I have a 3 year old with Athsma, Cerebral Palsy, possible Autism Spectrum Disorder, and hyperactivity. I have a soon to be 2 year old who has Global Developmental Delays. He cannot crawl, he cannot talk, he drinks bottles and cannot feed himself. He is completely dependent on me. I have an 8 month old who is in the exact same boat.
I would love to see any of the people who judge me take a short stint in my life. It's not easy and I dont complain, but every once in a while I need to be human. I am not superwoman, but the minute I breathe frusteration I am a bad Mom.
Sometimes I need help too. Sometimes I need someone to talk to also. Sometimes I want to scream and sometimes I want to cry. Hell, sometimes I want to go to a therapist. But I cant. Try fitting any of these things into my schedule and you will laugh.
Final's
I havent gotten much of an opprotunity to get my Blogs pumped out lately due to my upcoming Final's. I cant believe my first semester is finaling coming to an end. I truly have had hundreds of moments when I thought I wasnt going to make it... when I thought I was insane for taking college on right now.
I had to take college on right now. Three babies are expensive, but having two of those three babies with developmental delays is even more expensive. I may not pay for daycare, but I pay for special equipment and medical bills and meds and gas... and soon daycare for Moose while the 2 little ones have therapy 4 times a week. I need college, because I need a job... and I need a job I can do from home.
Many people can bring thier children to daycare while they go to work. I cannot. Even the baby's Pediatrician says it is out of the question. As for Moose in daycare... gives me extreme anxiety. I hate it. I cant explain in words why I am this way, I just am. I have so little trust for strangers it is unreal.
Back to my vent about Final's. I am studying my rear off, but they are fast approaching. Enough said.
I had to take college on right now. Three babies are expensive, but having two of those three babies with developmental delays is even more expensive. I may not pay for daycare, but I pay for special equipment and medical bills and meds and gas... and soon daycare for Moose while the 2 little ones have therapy 4 times a week. I need college, because I need a job... and I need a job I can do from home.
Many people can bring thier children to daycare while they go to work. I cannot. Even the baby's Pediatrician says it is out of the question. As for Moose in daycare... gives me extreme anxiety. I hate it. I cant explain in words why I am this way, I just am. I have so little trust for strangers it is unreal.
Back to my vent about Final's. I am studying my rear off, but they are fast approaching. Enough said.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Cupcake
That was the name on the bottle of Merlot I bought myself last night. I didnt know if it was going to taste heavenly or alot like horse piss, but I couldnt pass up a bottle of Merlot with a label that said Cupcake. That being said, it best to explain why the word Cupcake makes my potty tickle. I love cake. White cake, yellow cake, chocolate cake, carrot cake, spice cake, pumpkin cake, lemon cake. I LOVE cake and I LOVE CUPCAKES. There is something about a cupcake that makes me feel happy and warm and a lot like I dont have a care in the world. The entire process of eating a cupcake is divine, whether you like to lick the frosting of first, or dig in so thoroughly you end up with sticky sweetness up your nostrils. I love slowly pulling the accordian paper off and seeing if there is a fun Disney design printed on it. Also, I might as well state for the record that I can make a mean cupcake, but I much prefer eating one someone else has made... especially if that someone is a kid. Kids always remember the sprinkles, I am usually so busy that I forget.
I forget alot of things. These days, sometimes I forget to breathe. Sometimes I forget to laugh and sometimes I forget to cry. My life is so chaotic right now, that sometimes I forget to be a person. Everyday is full of exhaustin and chaos, but I can never stop. My brain is running full speed all day long. Bottles, diapers, breakfast, feedings, clothes baths, phone calls, appointments, lunch, therapies, mealtimes, baths, teeth brushing, sippy cups, movies, homework, testing, labs, tylenol, laundry, phone calls, activity, soccer, walking, dinner, dishes, bills, homework, vehicles, paper work, shopping, cleaning... plus anything else that comes up in between. Sometimes I forget to shower, to brush my teeth, to pee, to relax.
To eat a cupcake.
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