And so, it rears it's ugly head.

Post Partum Depression? Anxiety? Stress? Who know's what the technical term may be. What I know is this; I am having some big damn issue's. I feel like everyday is a blur these days. The world spins faster and faster and I can't keep up. So much to do, so many things to accomplish, in one short tiny day. Schedules, tasks, phone calls. Bottles, feedings, diapers, pull ups, naps, cleaning, laundry, appointments, therapy, cooking, reading, playing outside, homework, tests, labs, vehicle maintenence... this list goes on. And on. And on. Sometimes I just want to talk to someone that could come close to understanding. Instead I just keep it all to myself as I struggle to keep it together for yet another day. I cant crumble and I cant show weakness. If I do I am a bad Mom. I need to be doing exactly what every therapist wants me to be doing. If I miss something I am a bad Mom. All the kids need to be eating these perfect meals that support thier particular diets. If I get McDonalds I am a bad Mom. If I forget to have the diaper bag perfectly packed I am a bad Mom. If I want to take a nap I am a bad Mom. If I am not up and current on all of the local childrems programs I am a bad Mom. If I dont have every single fucking educational toy known to man, I am a bad Mom. If there is a smudge of pudding I missed when I wiped faces, I am a bad Mom. If I dont remember everything that was said at an appointment word for word, I am a bad Mom.

Well, you know what? Get the fuck off my back. Take one afternoon out of your existance and job shadow my life. I have a husband who is coping with returning home after his second LONG deployment in 3 years. First deployment-15 months. Second deployment- 12 months. I have a 3 year old with Athsma, Cerebral Palsy, possible Autism Spectrum Disorder, and hyperactivity. I have a soon to be 2 year old who has Global Developmental Delays. He cannot crawl, he cannot talk, he drinks bottles and cannot feed himself. He is completely dependent on me. I have an 8 month old who is in the exact same boat.

I would love to see any of the people who judge me take a short stint in my life. It's not easy and I dont complain, but every once in a while I need to be human. I am not superwoman, but the minute I breathe frusteration I am a bad Mom.

Sometimes I need help too. Sometimes I need someone to talk to also. Sometimes I want to scream and sometimes I want to cry. Hell, sometimes I want to go to a therapist. But I cant. Try fitting any of these things into my schedule and you will laugh.