Parental Emotions

Today is Valentines Day. Some people hate days like today. I do not. I love Valentines Day, even though I never get to celebrate it the traditional way. Usually there is a deployment or Keith being on mission, but today he is gone to work... for the week. I tried to celebrate with the kids, tried to get them into it, but they so were not. Gage was super naughty and the babies just tried to sleep the day away. So what did I do? Worked on some of my Special Needs Parent tasks.

Everything was going well until I was on the Pacer Center website. I was ordering our newest batch of resources, and it hit me. Now, keep in mind that this is not the first time it has hit me, nor will it be the last. Nevertheless, it hit me. I am ordering resources for my son with Sensory Processing Disorder and my two babies with Severe Hypotonia and Global Developmental Delays. I am looking at books that offer to help with things like "battling with school systems", "anti-bullying" and my favorite "where will your child live?".

Have you ever imagined getting kicked in the chest and throat and simultaneously being poked in the eye? Take a second and imagine it. There you go. Hurts right? I have been sitting here for the last hour trying to wrap my head around things that I think about at least once a week. If something ever happened to me will my kids be OK? Will my family ever be able to afford to build a handicap accessible home? Will my babies be able to walk? Have a conversation? Eat on their own? Play with me? Play with their brother?

Will my oldest son ever be able to use a public bathroom without coming unglued? Go to a grocery store and last longer than 5 minutes? Handle a vacuum cleaner or a dishwasher? Brush his own teeth or button his clothes?

One of the hardest things about being a parent of a child with special needs is fear of the unknown. Normally a parent can look at a chart and estimate when their child will hit his milestones. Milestones are hit and you wait for the next one. With a child with Global Delays, you watch each month pass by with no talking, rolling sitting, crawling, walking, solids, clapping, ect.... You watch these things pass and you see the children of your friends and family... doing all of things you pray that your child start doing. Your heart hurts but sings in happiness that your friend or loved one will not be experiencing your pain. You learn to smile a genuine smile because you know that child is not lost within himself, the way you fear your own baby is.

These are just a few of the emotions I deal with everyday as a parent.

I also feel happiness at the slightest new accomplishment. Euphoria at the inkling of a bit of recognition. Possessiveness and overprotectivness like none-other that you could ever imagine.

I love my children, and I will continue to fight and learn and push and demand.

Strive for greatness.

And never give up hope.