After my blog post last night, I sat and pondered all of the the aspects of my life. What part of it exactly is causing me so much stress... well besides the obvious. Is it really my lack of a support system that is truly getting me down? Maybe. How big exactly do I need this support system to be? What will happen if we never reach a point of total community acceptance? It my head going to finally just blow off of my shoulders? Some things are within my control and some are not, and if you personally know me, then you know this is the hardest battle for me. So what if people don't want to be in our lives? Why exactly does that bother me? I have no clue, but I am pretty sure it is because I don't have control over that particular situation. I let this stuff get me down. How does a control freak learn to let go of the control? I have worked myself to exhaustion for years trying to gain control of my life... to never allow any surprises... how does a person learn to loosen the grip?
As I have stated before, I am a religiously open person who does not actually follow a religion of her own. Lately I have been wondering if my need to control situations is the reason why. I have to pick everything to death until I know everything about it, dissect it, analyze it, conquer it and control it. This is why I don't have a religion. Give me a religion, ask me my honest opinion (which I would never do unless you asked me to) and I can tell you scientifically and historically why it could not be possible. I think the ability to have and follow a religion is a beautiful thing, but it is something I haven't been able to do. I find myself at a point where it si something I want. There are so many weighing on me though. Which religion? Which church? Will they accept me as a Human Rights Activist? Will they accept my three children with their Special Needs? Will they accept my husband as a Veteran? Will they challenge my opinions? Which direction will my path veer?
If only life would come with a manual.... I could know what to do. So my questions this morning are this...
How does a complete control freak let the control go and will accomplishing that open the door to being able to Believe?
How are the kids doing? Are they making progress?
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