Third Annual PCA Assessment

Today has been an excruciating day in parenting for me.  Every once in a while I have one of these days when I just can't swallow it all.  It is usually in the aftermath of sickness or in preparation for an ordeal.  In this case it is both.  Everyone is finally starting to recover from this virus, and tomorrow is our annual PCA screening.

PCA means Personal Care Attendant.  It is a person who comes into our home and helps me with the kids so everyone can get the care they need.  It is how my back hasn't broken yet and I am able to do something besides sit in a chair and fight to feed kids all day long.  My PCA's are invaluable.  Diapers, feedings, projects, therapies, appointments, meetings play.  Most of all, they help my sanity.  

People have often made comments to me about why I had Cote even after I found out Bo had Special Needs.  Back then I had no idea what was going to happen with Bo because I knew so very little about children with Special Needs.  Keith and I were not trying in any way for a baby, yet we were blessed with Cote.  We did not know what the future was going to hold, but I knew we would make it work somehow.  Cote was my blessing.  My pregnancy with her is what kept me from wallowing as I dealt with Gage's behavior issues, Bo's doctoring and Keith's deployment.  I had to keep trudging on like always for the sake of my kiddo's.

Fast forward about a year and a half.  We are now out of the Army and living in East Grand Forks.  Keith is in the midst of going back to school and working almost full-time.  I am alone with all three kids all day and night trying to make it to therapies and appointments and their Special Education Classes, as well as Preschool and Headstart for Gage.  The stress of it all starts making all of my hair fall out and I feel like I am going to lose my mind.  Then one day the kids' Social Worker asks if I would consider accepting help getting a PCA.  I of course had never heard of this and knew nothing about it.  I was so very wary of the whole thing.  Letting someone else come into my home and help me with my own children?  I couldn't wrap my head around why someone would come and help me with my kids.  I felt like I had failed.  At first I refused.  I was ashamed.  I wanted to prove I could do it all alone.  That my life was not as bad people were worried it was.  Then as the months wore on, I became more and more run down.  I would spend literally hours in a chair fighting with the kids to eat.  I bounced from one kid to the next.  Gage was struggling because he got so little of my time.  Finally one day after a comment a therapist made about how no one expected me to be superwoman, I caved.

The next day I called the kids' Social Worker and by the next week we had an appointment set up with a nurse for an assessment.

I did not know what to expect whatsoever.  When the nurse came, I was surprised.  We did not talk about the things the kids COULD do... we talked about what they COULD NOT.  I was floored.  I was having to say things out loud to another person, that many times I would not let myself think about.  All of the things they could not do and all of the things they may never do.  As a Special Needs parent it is so suffocating to even let yourself think these things, let alone say them.  We went through question after question for each child and 2 hours later I felt like I was wrung out.  To fight tears for that long is emotionally exhausting.  Even though I was fully aware that the nurse was there to help me, there is a piece of you screaming out "Who cares what they can't do!  Look at their beautiful faces and how sweetly they cuddle!!!"  But those things are not the things you need to talk about on PCA assesment day.

We ended up where I received two hours per child per day, five days a week.  It doesn't seem like much, but to me it was like being handed the Golden Ticket!  I could have went with more hours, but I chose to pay my PCA a decent wage.  If I would have went to minimum wage I would have gotten more hours of help, but possibly a less than helpful PCA.

Last year came time to do it again.  Same thing, but different county.  Same anxiety from me... same sorts of questions.  Afterwards I felt the same pain and went into hiding (my defense mechanism of sorts)... just the same as the year before.  Our Social Worker is kind as well as helpful and the nurse was courteous and thorough, but it is still painful just the same to speak of all of your childrens shortcomings.  The kids ended up with 18 hours each per week this last year, at the wage I had chosen.  I was able to let go of a little more stress than even the year before.

Tomorrow is the 3rd annual PCA assessment.  Although I know yet again that this is all for the greater good, I dread the questions.  I dread the answers that I know that I must give and I dread looking my children in the eyes after I say all of these things out loud.  I dread Gage hearing them and I dread the parasite I will have to carry around the rest of the day, as I remind myself of all of the things they do beautifully.  

I am keeping my fingers crossed that we will not have too many hours cut and I remind myself that any amount of hours we get will be better than what we could possibly be getting next year.  This program will be one of the first to go, I found out, if a certain presidential candidate is elected to office.  So even though it is going to be a tough day, and I wont be able to sleep tonight, I am going to be appreciative that the help is there for me.   Even if it is just for now.

So I am going to end this with telling everyone... for a long time I felt like I didn't deserve help.  That I had these children, therefore I should be the one who does it all.  Then I found out that sometimes I just needed to let someone help me.  I am not perfect and I am not super-mom.  I am a human being.  

If you or someone you know has a Special Needs child and is suffering from "burn-out" please feel free to contact me.  I will help lead you in the right direction to talk with someone who would be happy to help you.

This Is It.

The hits have just kept coming since yesterday.  First I posted a hypothetical question on Facebook and got backlash like you wouldn't believe.  I received it right away and then it trickled on all night long.  Yes I did get some friends who said a lot of nice things to me, but the nice stuff never truly erases the bad.  

Since I have woken up, I have gotten one hit after another.  I haven't been able to do a single thing right with people.  I tried to advertise for a fundraiser and that bit me in the ass in a couple of different ways.  I was even told that if I was advertising, I should be willing to pay for more than shipping :(  Really?  What gives someone the right to tell someone else to buy products for them?  

Then I posted a more modern "Breast Self Exam" diagram.  The company who posted it would donate $1,000 for every 10,000 shares it received.  Someone reported it on my page and it is now removed.

Now I just got a message from Facebook telling me that they have received 6 requests to have my profile removed.  

I am so incredibly hurt right now.  I can't even be mad anymore because I feel as if the life has been sucked out of me.  I have received so much nastiness since last night, that I am not even sure if any of this is worth it anymore.  I feel so awful right now and so completely alone.

I do not force people to read my blogs or to even be friends with me, so I don't really understand why I am getting all of this backlash.  If you don't like me or what I have to say, just delete me or don't read it.  

I have been the victim of internet bullying since last night, and it feels awful.  Saddest part is, through it all, I have been advertising a Cancer Fundraiser and helping two other organizations out with their fundraisers, as well as editing photo's for someone free of charge, taking care of my sick kiddo's and planning a gift-trip out for my little brother.

I really deserve all of the Bullying right?

All I can do is say Thank You to all of you who have so completely hurt me.  All I have ever tried to do is be a good person, be myself, be a great parent and a good advocate.  Obviously that isn't enough for people.  So think on it for a bit and then let me know what it is I can do to deserve your respect.  And if you feel it isn't going to be "cool" to be friends with me or help your popularity, then delete me.  Don't sit and torment me.

Cancer Support Bracelets

How many of you folks do or have had a person in your life battling Cancer?  It can quite literally be the most stressful experience in your entire life.  For the person in the midst of the battle, it is especially hard because not only do they need to keep fighting "the good fight" but the costs are astronomical.  Loss of work, monthly bills, medical costs, driving costs (appointments are constant and gas prices are ridiculous).  I have heard many stories of families losing their homes after a battle such as this, because they were unable to dig themselves out of that financial hole.  

Well, up north here there is a fund-raiser going on for a local.  One of the things they are doing is selling these super cute bracelets for $10.00.  You have your choice between the gold and the silver (I totally chose gold).  They do not say the womans name, so go ahead and snag one for yourself or someone you know who could really use the support.

Cancer is so limited...
It cannot cripple love.
It cannot shatter hope.
It cannot corrode faith.
It cannot eat away peace.
It cannot destroy confidence.
It cannot kill friendship.
It cannot shut out memories.
It cannot silence courage.
It cannot reduce eternal life.
It cannot quench the Spirit.

To purchase, you can either contact Penny Kimble at the T-Shirt Barrel in Warroad, MN at (218)386-2728.  Here is her website: Tee Shirt Barrel

Or you can contact me through my Facebook: My Facebook  If you order one, I will pay the shipping to get it to you, if you live way out of town.  

A Cry For Help!!!

Tonight my six year old son blew his poor mothers mind.

We were watching the TV show Castle and there was a kissing scene.  It was not a hot and heavy one, but a kiss nonetheless.  Gage proceeded to make an extremely Rated R comment.  I died on the spot and did the only thing my brain could function enough to do.  

I sent him to his room.

My sweet six year old baby whom I have nurtured, coddled and basically sheltered.  How on Earth did he come up with the naughtiness that escaped his mouth?  My baby who still passionately believes in Santa and truly thinks that he will be heading to Hogwarts in a few years time.  

So Keith just looked at me and asked me why I sent him to time-out.  His thoughts were that Gage may not have understood exactly what he said meant, and that he shouldn't be ashamed to talk to us about that stuff.  

I basically became hysterical and on the brink of tears as I squeaked that six is not an OK age for this to be coming up.  Keith headed upstairs to explain to Gage that his statement was not appropriate and that there are better ways to approach the subject.  With every cell in body I wish that Keith had told him to never speak or think of the subject again, but evidently that would be unrealistic.  Psshht.

So I hear Gage and Keith walking down the stairs.  I hear Gage say in his tiny, lispy little voice, "Sorry Dad. I didn't realize what I was saying was inappropriate.  I will find better ways of saying things from now on."

Sob.

My baby is not supposed to be able to say the word inappropriate, let alone know how to properly put it in a sentence.

So here is where my cry for help comes in... what now?  What do I say if he approaches the subject again or makes another comment?  What do I do to let him know that I want him to feel open enough to come to me and what is the proper way to talk about it with a six year old.  I am so utterly lost.

Here You Come Again...

You germs, you....

Oh yes, you heard me and not some broken record.  Bo and Cote are sick again.  Nasty sick.  They got some sort of nasty cold thing and it is punishing me day and night.  All night.  I will be going on night 2 of no sleep.  That's OK, because when they are under the weather. I always sleep with one eye open.

Gage is still doing well with his studies here at home.  He is all signed up for hockey for this winter and is super excited.  Me?  Eh.  I don't know much about the sport at all, so it sort of takes the wind out of my sails.  I never show him my lack of enthusiasm though.  He is still happy about being in the Boy Scouts and is excited for his next meeting.  I keep forgetting to bring his Popcorn Selling kit to town with us to try and sell some.  I am lucky if I get out of here with socks on, so I was not prepared for this task right away.

Keith has not been getting many hours in at work and we all know what that means... small paychecks before the Holidays.

Stellar.

As for me, I am doing OK.  Still trying to lower my stress level and I am getting a little closer every day.  Melissa, my friend Bangel and I all just started a new site.  It is basically a sight for advocacy, our favorite things and controversial and fun randomness.   I am very excited about it and hope it is enjoyed by many and forces everyone to think.

Farm Update:  We have been under attack by an insane skunk I will go ahead and name Relentless.  Our first discovery of her was on Sunday afternoon when Gage went out to the feed shed to get Luna and Hermoine, our hilarious kittens.  All of a sudden Gage was barreling across the yard with the kittens flailing under the crook of each of his elbows.  He was screaming and bawling and at first I thought that the kittens had killed Thelma the renegade hen, but all he could squeek out was "SKUNK!"

I almost died laughing.  Well here to find out this skunk was trapped in the shed behind some bags of chicken coop bedding that had tipped over.  So goofy Keith and I head out there to try and figure out what to do to get it out.  I found the biggest fencing pole I could find, and as Keith tried to get an opening wedged clear, I gingerly held the rifle.

After we cleared an opening, Keith spent the next couple of hours waiting for Relentless the skunk to come out.  It didn't happen and he eventually had to leave for work.

So then fast forward to this afternoon.  We are outside again and watch as the skunk squirts under the pig barn door.  What the heck, right?  So Keith posts in his truck waiting for it to come out and I go behind the barn and start banging around.  Doesn't work.  This is one super relentless skunk.  I finally go in and just in time for Keith to see it and shoot it... right in the doorway of the barn.

HOLY CRAPPERS does my farm stink.  I made Keith strip down outside after disposing of the skunk and let me tell ya, it does not make a huge difference.  We won though and that is the main thing.

Anyways, please keep us in your thoughts as we are pretty much trapped here at home :)  Enjoy this little batch of decent weather we are having and have an awesome night!!!

School Is Da' Bomb (yes, I really just wrote that)

Today my Bo and Cote went to school.  First they did an hour of ECFE and then an hour with their Early Childhood Special Education teacher and their Speech Pathologist through the school system.  Melissa and their teacher took them in and guided them through everything.  They were both by their sides through the whole process, and I am eternally grateful.

I was not present whatsoever.

You had best believe that during the morning getting ready, the drive to town, and the entire time they were in school, my uterus was sitting in my left knee-cap.

This was one of my hardest moments in my motherhood journey.  Any parent out there can understand to a point.  First day of school, you have to bring your child to school and wave goodbye and walk away.  When it was Gage's first day of school, I sat in the van and bawled.  I am not ashamed.  This is different though.  Gage would come home and tell me when something good or bad happened.   So what do you do when your children are non-communicative?

Panic.

The only reason I was able to force myself to do this was knowing that Melissa would respect my wishes and help protect them.  She knew that if anything derogatory were to be spoken to or about them, that they were to be removed immediately.  I am not saying it would necessarily happen, but I am also not saying that it wouldn't.  It is amazing the things that have been said to us over the years.  People for some reason often do not think we deserve common courtesy, thus the nervousness.

So Melissa went in there with an open mind, but a back-up plan in her back pocket.  Gage and I headed to the Public Library to have class.

This was a really nice little adventure for us and it was refreshing to change up our Homeschooling routine.  We snagged one of the kits the Library puts together (we did the farm one) and headed into a study room to dig in.  We probably read about 7 books while we were there and then we went on the hunt for new material for the week.  We spent some time studying the globe, and sat on the couches and read quietly.

Homeschooling is going really well.  In a month Gage has soared educationally.  The one-on-one is exactly what he needed.  He literally needs someone to sit right by him, constantly redirecting him, but it is so worth it.  It is hard for me emotionally because he desperately wants to go to the Public School.  My guilt has been gnawing at me in a ferocious way, so I was thankful when Melissa stepped in today to remind me of why we had decided to Homeschool.  Like she said, what is more important?  Gage going to school and having a blast but not getting a real education?  Or Homeschooling and actually standing a chance to learn?  The most important thing truly is his education.  We have started Cub Scouts and we will be starting 4H.  Also, within a few weeks we will be starting hockey.  All of these things will help give him what he is craving.  He is still receiving Occupational services twice a week and he is having a very hard time in the Sensory Processing Disorder department.

I have faith that Homeschooling was our best option, but I guess I need to be reminded occasionally when I get a bout of Mommy-Guilt.

So after we were done at the library, we headed back to pick up everyone at the school.  Melissa and the kids' teacher wheeled them out in the wagon and met me at the car.  I was super nervous and just hoping that everything went ok.

Here is the lowdown.  Cote absolutely loved it all!  She played and smiled and laughed and was so happy to be in the midst of all of the commotion!  Bo on the other hand, did not.  He covered his ears from the noise quite a bit and even cried.  The reason being is that all three of my children have Sensory issues.  Gage and Bo have high Sensory.  Basically what this means is that the world around them is "too much".  Gage gets extremely excitable and Bo gets very overwhelmed and upset.  Cote has what is called low Sensory.  This means that today pumped her up to where she actually needed to be.  Normally she is very laid back and sort of sleepy.  She falls asleep very very very easily.

All in all it was a success I think.  Besides setting up a plan for when Bo gets upset like that, I think this is a great thing for them.  Was it hard for me?  Yes.  Will I let my guard down now?  No.  Never.

The reason why is because it is not my job to be the cool and relaxed mom.  Being cool and relaxed is not what has gotten us to the point we are now.  I will continue being the over-protective, over-bearing Mama-Bear for as long as that is what is needed of me.  My children are three and four physically, and cognitively they are both under the age of one.  Tell me how you would be when it came to the physical and emotional safety of your children... especially at that age.  It is my job to protect them and nurture them, not to teach them to toughen up.  I will never forget the time I was told that I needed to let the kids "learn how it is really like out in the real world", when I was in the midst of a conversation about in-school bullying.  I subliminally punched that person in the mouth.

I do not care if it is tomorrow or if it is when my kids are in their teens; if I find out they are being bullied or made fun of, we will find a healthier alternative.  Being born with Special Needs does not mean that they automatically earn the role of punching bag.  They did not do this to themselves and they deserve respect and love.  They deserve friendships and nurturing from their peers and the adults in the community.

So far, so good.  This will be our routine on Thursdays.  The rest of the week will still be filled with Homeschooling, therapies and appointments....

And the evenings will hopefully be filled with cuddles and play.

Take It Off!

Oh yes... that is Bettie Page and she has evidently been naughty.

Does me writing that make you uncomfortable?   Does looking at this picture disgust you?  I personally think it is hilarious.  I think that because I don't take things like sex or nudity all that seriously.  I am a 31 year old mother of three and maybe stereo-typically I should be a little more on the "prude" side.

Stereo-typically.  Let's go ahead and talk about stereotypes.

Women of "entertainment" are often called and referred to by many names.  Sometimes the names are correct, sometimes they are polite, but many times they are rude or hurtful.  Strippers, Exotic Dancers, Hookers, Burlesque Entertainers, Sluts, Dirty Ho's, "Working Girls", Women of the Night, ect...

To me, they are women who have jobs and are putting food on the table.  Then again, I am a mature woman.  Not just a mature woman, but a mature heterosexual woman.  I am adult enough that I can say when a man is attractive as well as a woman.  I think many times women who are of any of the "entertainment" professions are not given the credit they deserve.  They are working for their own money.  They are not looking for handouts, and they earn every cent and then some.  Not only to they work, but many times they endure a lot of verbal abuse both at the workplace and outside of work.  These women have a tendency to become secluded and secretive.  In my research I have also found that there is a higher percentage of women in this job field who suffer from depression and substance abuse.

I have heard the argument from people many times that these women could get a regular job if they want and that there is nothing wrong with flipping burgers.  That McDonalds is always hiring.  These statements are usually not coming from someone who actually works in a burger joint.  Here's the thing, if it were me and I had a chance to make $400 in a night instead of minimum wage for the same amount of hours... well guess what my pick would be.  Kids clothes aren't free and neither is gas or food.  Rent?  Not cheap anymore, nor are cars.

Besides, who really cares anyways?  Does another woman's job affect your lifestyle in any way?  Is her money worth any less than yours?  Negative.  She had to put in blood, sweat and tears (literally) to earn it, just like anyone else.

Often I think the reason these women are so disliked is because of the wives and girlfriends out there who blame the women for their significant others coming for a peek.  News flash... they do not force people to come see them.  They do not coerce folks into watching them or touching them.  If your significant other likes to go watch, take care of it at home.  It is in no way the fault of the "entertainer".  Maybe even consider going as a couple.  Many people have told me that it is arousing for both people involved and very entertaining.  I also have a friend that met her best friend of many years after visiting an establishment with her boyfriend.  I have never been, but would love to go to a burlesque place!  I think it would be a blast!

Another issue is envy.  People love to tear down what they are envious of.  A beautiful woman with a nice body and charisma... well she is obviously a whore with herpes.  She abandoned her kids and is a meth head.  Any of this sound familiar?  I have heard it all and then some.  No woman deserves to be talked about like this.  We should be proud of each other.  If I see a woman that has been taking care of herself or is beautiful, I tell her.  If she is working hard on herself, she deserves recognition; not to be cut down.  Not only that, but be open with her.  Does she do a certain work out to get her tummy chiseled   What is her favorite makeup?  Where does she get her hair done?  Many times, she will have awesome advice and tips she would love to share!  I have a good handful of ladies in my life who are dancers and I have gotten tons of tips over the years!  

Also, I think sometimes women lash out at these ladies because they are doing something that everyone would secretly want to do.  They have the confidence to get up there and dance like we do in the privacy of our homes... and they are doing it for appreciative eyes and a paycheck.

I think we as women have had it rough over the centuries, with things still dragging in terms of womens equality.  What we need to do is focus on supporting each other and not pushing each other down.  Appreciate the battles that our fellow sisters have to fight, whether it is being and Exotic Dancer, a Nurse, a Stay At Home Mom or a CEO.  We need to reach a point where we are all proud of each other and supportive of each other.  

On a personal note, my "entertainer" friends have been some of the most supportive of me and my family over the years.  Loving phone calls, donations, cards, visits and letters.  Much more involved and non-judgmental than many I have known over the years.  

Your profession is not what you are defined by.  It's the way a person treats others that shows what they are truly made of.

Peace Out

Tit Flippin Kind of Day

Walked in the front door tonight and immediately removed my bra.  It was just that kind of day.


Sometimes I honestly wonder if I have lost that "social butterfly" chip that I once had.  Seriously now, take today for example.  I dropped Melissa and the kids off at the therapy department and decided I would go run a few errands.  Almost like a "Mommy Spa Trip", but without the amenities... or the spa treatments... or even the relaxation in my case.  

First stop was the grocery store.  As I am walking around, looking at all of the goodies and pushing around a kid-free cart, I notice one of the workers starts following me nonchalantly.  At first I am wondering if maybe I dropped something?  Then I wonder if something is going on with my clothes?  Already Melissa informed me my shirt was on inside out and I had already fixed it, but was something else on wrong?  Umm, no.   So then I start wondering if she thinks I am shoplifting.  I decide I am being ridiculous and paranoid so I go along on my merry way.  After two more aisles, she grabs a box of crackers off of the shelf and in an accusing voice asks me if I put them there.  I look at her in shock.  What I want to say to her is, "WTF yo!  You have been following me for the last fifteen minutes!  You know those Saltines aren't mine!"  

What I actually say is, "Umm, no.  But I bought some soup so I guess I should say thank you for finding them for me."  Chuckle chuckle chuckle.  I am feeling cunning at this point and her pinched up face proves to me I just totally scored.

So I snag the crackers and head on.  The next aisle over I notice she is still following me.  After a few minutes she grabs a bag of chips someone has stashed by the toilet paper.  "Excuse me, did you put these here?"   I look at her to see if she is joking.  Oh boy, she is not.  At this point I am trying not to laugh as I say as absolutely politely as I can that no I did not.  I walk around her and keep going.  I feel every tiny ounce of patience and composure that I brought with me to town slowly slipping away.  All I need to do is make it through the last aisle and I can go on to the next store.

As I am in the dairy section trying to decide which yogurt to try with the kids, the lady walks up to me with a box of donuts and asks me if I put them down with the eggs.  Oh that was fucking it.  I whip around and flip a tit.  "What is your fucking problem???" I yell in my super angry "mom on the edge" voice.  "You have been stalking and harassing  me in this store since I walked in!  Back off!"  I hear the sound of a male cackle and notice another worker is doubled over.  The lady turned a mottled angry red and stomped away as the man asked if I would like the manager.  I know this man and we visit every time I come into their store.  He knows me as a friendly type of lady who talks too much and smiles an excessive amount.  He has never seen me crabby or impolite so his next words knocked me on my rear.

"I was hoping you were going to punch her in the teeth!"

Oh jeez.  Nice impression, Rachel.

I told him I didn't want him to call the manager, nor did I want to smear her and that all I wanted to do was get the heck out of the store.  He made it happen in a total of 5 minutes.

As I started up old Goldie, I just thought about the other errands I wanted to run and caboshed every one of them.  I steered straight for the therapy department and stomped through the doors.  I flopped my butt down on a cushy seat and Melissa looked at me and then the clock.  She totally knew.  "What happened?" she asked.  These are the moments I feel as if life sets me up for failure.  I am going to have to tell this story out loud and every word I speak is going to make me feel more ridiculous.

A lot like I felt the previous week when she sent me to the library to have some "me" time and I came back after 20 minutes.  While I had been there, a bunch of elderly people had arrived and they kept staring at me. At the time I thought I was going to flip out because they were everywhere and they were all staring at me with their elderly person eyes.  Well then when I had to recant the story to Melissa... well let's just say I felt ridiculous and immature.  Just the universes way of flipping me the bird once again.

So anyways, I tell Melissa my story and needless to say, I felt dumb.  Melissa on the other hand basically stated that this is the life of Rachel.  I for some reason cannot have good social interactions.  I sat there and fumed and realized I was basically pouting about getting harassed in a grocery store.  

She then presented me with a chocolate chip scone she had bought me.  Sheer happiness.

Then I came home and told my Keith my terrible and dramatic grocery store story.  Then my mom.  Then Lydia.  Then I decided I needed to blog about it.

I still feel just as ridiculous now as I did telling Melissa in the clinic.

I do not know why I have lost my knack for social graces, nor do I know how.  All I do know is that every day is some sort of strange life adventure and I will just have to keep telling everyone the outcomes.

*wink*

Bam... I Need Your Opinion!

Well... someone threw the idea at me today about vlogging.  Thoughts?

I have never thought much about it because vlogs always seem like they have cute cinematography or trendy dialog and if you know me... well you know I am not trendy.  I have no cool equipment and I have no cool skills... all I would have is my big head, blunt opinions, emotional and ridiculous stories and bags under my eyes.

So here it is... think I should do it?

Life During the First Week of October.

What. A. Week.

I don't know where to begin and I am scared snotless to try and put an ending on things.

We were threatened with a forest fire.  We were contacted about being on standby to evacuate our farm.  This is the farm we fantasized about during deployments.  We kept ourselves trucking through with farm plans as we lived apart so Keith could work and I could take care of the kids' doctoring.  This tiny little farm has all of our hopes and dreams and every extra cent to our name sunk into it's pores.  It is where our children can play outside without fear and where we have begun to grow wholesome food for their bellies.  Yes it has insurance and no it is not much to look at, but we love it.  When we gaze at the property we see all of the potential it holds and our sweet future days.

When there is the risk of losing it all, it feels as if all of the dreams you have turn black and ash out.  So we have sat since then on standby.  At this point the fire is still not out but it has shifted gears.

An October snowstorm helped with that.

With the snow came wind and with the wind came major power line damage.  Broken lines and lines laying over roads... Tree's on lines and broken poles.  Power outages all across the area.  At one point there were 600 some people with no electricity.  None.  During a snowstorm.

Guess what?  We were not prepared in the least.  No wood stove.  No generator.  No common sense.  We were stranded out here with sloppy back roads and a 2WD van.  We had to feed the kids ice cold food and drinks (they eat comfortably when their food is warmed and struggle with cold), and we had to huddle and cuddle for warmth.  Normally that would be great, but not in the cold, dark confines of an electricity free home.  Oh... and in the middle of a snowstorm.

The storm messed up my brothers weekend as well.  He was crowned Homecoming King!!!!

Due to the storm, they basically canceled Homecoming.  I am hoping it gets rescheduled, but one can only imagine how those kids felt.  Talk about taking the wind out of their sails.

Then on Saturday morning I found out that my biological fathers dad had passed on.  This is a tough one because as you know I do not have my long-term memory, therefore I have no memories of him.  What I do know is that I have the same relentless sense of humor as him and find joy in ripping on people.  From what I have been told over the years, I get a lot of that from him.

Lately he had been on my mind a lot.  Well, him and his wife.  I have been battling with myself in the decision as to whether or not to go meet them.  There would have been a point in my life where they were very important to me, and I feared if I didn't take the plunge and fight my fear then I would live to regret it.

It looks like my opportunity has passed.

Now I will never know.  I will never know if I were to be welcomed or rejected.  I will never get to hear stories of the passed muttered through his lips and I will never know why all of the contact was severed.  All I can do is hope that his last days were tranquil and that he is at rest.

Then that afternoon, we had to let Hank go.  I cannot recant this story, but it is in the entry prior to this.

Since Saturday afternoon, my little family has been in pain.  We have been laying low and cuddling and watching movies.  It was a hard week and all I can do is hope that the worst has passed.  Stress came at us in huge amounts and we made it through.  I did learn a lot of valuable lessons.  I am calling State Farm this week to double check our Home Owners Insurance coverages   We are now getting a weather emergency action plan put into place complete with a generator.

I am now going to torture as many people as I can for pics and stories of my biological paternal grandfather. I also want to know why we were estranged.

As for Hank, I am coming to terms with the knowledge that even if we only had him for a week, we may have given him the best week of his life.  He will forever be a part of my heart and I hope he is at peace now.

On to another week.  I will be laying low as I recuperate and I think that's OK.  I need to sign Gage up for 4-H and Hockey this week and sell some of his Boy Scout popcorn.  I am not good at that sort of stuff, so this will give me a chance to try and get motivated.

On to the second week of October.

My Sweet Angel Baby

Today we had to lay Hank to rest.  As I write this, I feel as if I am going to hyperventilate as I try not to cry anymore.  Hank was a good dog.  He was a good dog who was raised by bad people.  I hope whoever his previous owners were are reading this right now.  If I find out who you were, you best believe I will let everyone know.  I hope no one ever sells you another animal and I hope your home is watched by every person who fell in love with Hank.

Best believe I am angry.

Today Hank attacked a larger breed puppy and it's owner (mostly the puppy).  Hank and the dog had been checking each other out and it had been going OK.  Lot's of tail wagging.  Lot's of obedient sitting by both dogs.  Everything was fine and then it was like something snapped.  My heart was in my throat as we tried to get the pup away and as we all ran. The neighbor was very kind and reassuring as the snow by our shop was streaked with the dark red blood of his pretty pup, but dread settled over our farm.  Dread that was thick with doom and gloom and pain.  As they drove away to access the damage, Keith and I both looked at each other with pain and fear and knowledge in our eyes.  What had happened was not OK.

We immediately started trying to connect with the proper channels, but the weekend comes along with plans, and it is hard to get ahold of people.  I do not blame them for being busy, but I just didn't know what to do.  I ended up calling one of the vets in my address books.

The vet said we had to put him down.  He thought that the previous owners may have used starvation as a form of training to teach Hank to be a guard dog.  We put him down within the last hour and it was one of the worst things I have had to do.  The vet said that since we don't know his triggers, we wouldn't know what to avoid.  :'(

If that would have been Bo or Cote on the ground, they would be dead right now.  They wouldn't have been able to get away or defend themselves and Hank was too large for me to stop.

Here at our farm, we are all a mess.  This was too much.  This week we dealt with a forest fire, a snow storm, loss of electricity and a death in the family, but this is the thing that hit us the hardest.  Within one short week, Hank had nestled into a warm soft place in my heart and he had become one of my babies... and I feel as if a piece of that very heart has been brutally ripped out.  I have not cried this much in I don't know how long.  I miss him already and I am never going ti be able to right all the wrongs he was put through.

My only hope is that this teaches us all a valuable lesson.  If you ever know or hear of a dog that is being abused or neglected, do not hesitate to help him/her.  Volunteer or donate to your local Humane Societies and consider adopting over buying.   Report someone you think may be being cruel to an animal and above all, keep Hank in your thoughts.

Hank was a good dog.  He was not born to be an attack dog... someone trained him to be that way.  He suffered at the hand of someone abusing, neglecting and starving him over the last four years.  He was a good baby and he had a good, loving heart.

Goodbye my sweet baby Hank.

Hank the Tank

Keith is officially calling our humble homestead "The Misfit Farm".  

He pretty much nailed it.  Everyday out here is so completely filled with ridiculousness, that at times I feel like I am the character of some completely off the wall children's book.  Bert and Ernie have now made a new home in our freezer, after dozens of fights where it was me and a little silver pot against a couple pairs of talons.  Talons that could easily re-pierce my ears.  Thelma our renegade hen now has complete free reign of the yard and she usually bee-lines to the front of Melissa's SUV where she picks the front clean of smashed bugs.  Our ducks clean our hens and our hens love cake.  We now get a small handful of eggs everyday and they are gloriously rich and I feel good knowing I am feeding my family eggs produced by happy and healthy hens.

Our two kittens are named Hermoine and Luna.  Yes the names are from Harry Potter and yes I am the one who named them.  I am a Harry Potter addict.  A little good clean obsessiveness is good for the soul.  They are adorable and ridiculous and they have the worst meows I have ever heard in my entire life.  I have been wondering over the last few weeks if that could in any way be considered a birth defect.  I am not thinking so though.

We now have three female piglets.  Wilbur, Dottie and Peanut became a part of our family on Sunday.  Peanut has weird skin growths by her neck.  Sadly, I am wondering if I should bring her to the Vet, lol.  I need to find a Vet who makes farm calls.  They have already escaped the barn once and we have to tweak their pen a little everyday.  I am not sure if I have ever seen smarter animals in my life.  Unreal.

The same day the piglets arrived, we received another family member as well.

Hank.

Hank the Tank.

Hank is a St. Bernard who was recently rescued.  He sat in the local pound for a while until a "rescuer" picked him up and brought him to a foster family.  He was not eligible to be transferred to Minneapolis because the previous owners claimed he had food aggression.  Therefore, he would have been "put down".  Well as soon as the foster family showed me pictures and told me his story, I know he needed us.   When Keith and I went to pick him up, (while the three piglets where in the back of the truck) we knew instantly he was our family.  First we buzzed over to Holiday to buy him some Bratwursts off of the warmer for the ride home, and then we settled in for the long drive.  The entire time I fought tears.  Hank was such a good sport and he was so sweet, but every time I rubbed him all I could feel were all his bones.  Every rib and his entire spine grinds against your hand and I can only imagine how painful it must be to be loved on for him.

Once we got home, we went to work getting him fed immediately.  We had bought dry as well as wet food.  We bought a couple different kinds of bones to chew on, Milkbones, a squeaker toy and a new towel.  He made short work of the wet food and tried a little of the dry, but quickly shied away.  As for the food aggression, I have yet to see any.  He will only eat if I am standing right by him and he takes everything from my hand very delicately.  I have tried all of the bones and treats and have noticed he shows little interest.  Well then I noticed his teeth and gums.... so swollen and irritated.  After contacting his foster family, I found out that when he would eat at her place, she had noticed a little blood when he ate.  Poor thing, what a miserable thing.  Tomorrow Melissa is going to attempt to brush his teethers a bit.  

Another thing I have noticed is his hips.  He has a limpish gait.  I don't know if his previous owners allowed him to do stairs as a pup, if it's from malnutrition,  arthritis or abuse.  We have an appointment set up for him on Friday to go in for a check-up.  Thank goodness for understanding Vets. 

So far Hank is fell right into the role of Farm Dog.  He is hilarious and I am pretty sure this was his destiny.  He helped us chase down the piglets when they escaped and did not once bite one.  He tries to herd Thelma our renegade hen back into the chicken area when he thinks she has had enough freedom.  Once again never biting her.  The kittens are super mad.  There really is nothing more to even say there, lol.  He is basically walking around the farm like his name is on the deed and he has a major look of happiness in those droopy little eyes.

Gage is in dog-heaven right now.  He and Hank lay out in the shade reading stacks of books and watching movies on the Kindle.  Hank plays Tug of War with him and walks with him so nicely.  The best is when he cleans Gage from the top of his head all the way to his toes.  Gage knows to stay away from the food dish just in case and I keep my fingers crossed that we are being TOO cautious.  

I will say this... I am so angry.  I am angry that people can do this.  I am so sick of hearing about people abusing children, animals and the elderly.  Hank is a full-bred St. Bernard.  This means someone more than likely bought him and then decided he was too big.  Isn't that the way it usually goes.  Also, they said the reason they weren't feeding Hank was because he was showing food aggression and they were scared.  What-Ev.  I have never seen an animal more gentle in the food department.  Between his emaciation, his mouth and his hips I desperately hope we can get him to good health soon.  With that being said, I also hope if doesn't cost a million dollars because let's face it... we are NOT millionaires.  I am worried about his hips in a big way, but what are you going to do?  Let him be in pain?  I figure we will see what happens when we bring him in and if she says he needs something like a surgery, I will have to look into a fundraiser.  He has been through enough pain in his life, it is our duty to try and show him a good life.

I have been told a million times that I am a strong woman.  I have been asked how I do it and told dozens of times that I do what others cannot.  I reply on most occasions that I do what needs to be done.  Did I have to take Hank knowing he is yet another Special Needs soul in my home?  No, but he needed someone and I will never leave anyone behind.  I will never allow anyone to live a life unloved or hungry or in pain.  I do not have a career or a life plan.  I do not have a college education and if there is ever a day I get to work out of the home, I would sell my soul to be a Librarian.  I do think that I was put on this Earth for a reason.  I am a Nurturer and I am proud of that.  

Love Rachel,

Co-Owner of The Northern Woods Farm of Misfits  ;)