Social Pariah

Five years ago I left my hometown to open yet another brand new chapter in my life.  In those short five years my world flipped over, cart-wheeled into insanity and then catapulted into oblivion.  My days became filled with appointments, doctors, therapists, specialists, social-workers, teachers and boxed wine.  My attempts at holding on to old friendships were pitiful, exhausted efforts and often one sided.  I was able to make a few new friends in my travels, but no one I could drag back to Minnesota with me when it was apparent that the hometown would be our final destination.  

When we moved back, I knew it would not be easy.  I knew ahead of time that my free time is limited and that the sky falls as soon as I make any sort of plans.  What I was not prepared for was exactly how much I would NOT be welcomed.  How much my children would not be welcomed.  Invite after invite have been sent for Baptisms and Birthday Parties, with only a couple of people showing up.  Invite after invite to Birthday Parties that my children were not invited to, yet I get to look at the pictures via Facebook.  As a parent, my heart breaks every time... knowing that my kids are not getting accepted as I had prayed that they would.  Being in a small community, acceptance of Special Needs children can go one of two ways; either they are embraced into the communities loving arms and they are accepted into the hearts and lives of those around them, or they are basically ignored and/or shunned.  Sadly, to put it lightly, we have yet to feel the embracing.

As for my social life, it consists of Melissa, my husband, the parentals, our therapists and Facebook.  

Facebook.... both my main social outlet as well as the bane of my existence.  I love it because I can actually stay in touch with the small handful of friends that I get to talk to.  I love it because I get to read a lot of different articles that I otherwise may not have gotten to read.  I love it because I get to see pictures of my friends children and cats and dogs and advocate for the causes I so strongly believe in.

I hate it because I feel like I have been punched in the gut every time I log in and see people using the word r*tard or other derogatory language that crushes my chest.  I hate that I have to delete people from my life I was hoping to maybe rekindle a friendship with.  I hate it because I realize exactly how little my children and I mean to these people.

Now days when I see people in public, whether I know them personally or not, I babble a mile a minute about nothing and everything all at once.  I don't know what I should be saying, because I have reached a point in my life where people just plain make me nervous.  I laugh too loud for no reason and talk too fast and make sure to tell my conversational victims that "No, I am not on drugs".  I get to a point where I do not want to go into public because I feel like I am going to make a fool of myself or rip someones head off when they stare at one of my kids.

So there you have it... I am not sure what the ending conclusion is for this blog.  I am a Social Pariah.  I want the community I live in to embrace my children.  I have no idea what path to chose to give them what they need in terms of acceptance.  This blog entry has no "bigger picture" or "deeper meaning".  I am lost as a parent and as an adult.  I need to rebuild my supportive circle but I am lost as to who even wants to be a part of it these days.  

So the process of figuring things out begins here.  Where is our path headed next, and can can I stay on my feet with three kids strapped to my back?